So I’ll try to keep the backstory brief even though I could literally talk about him for hours.

So he’s actually a family friend, and I’ve known him since I was about 8-10, and he was 11-13.

We didn’t see each other often, as we always lived in a different city, we’d maybe see each other every 2-3 years on average.

When I was 13 (he’d have been 16) I developed a major crush on him on a camping trip both our families were on. Ever since then, it was always that I’d forget all about him until I saw him again, and then I’d just fall head over heels for him all over again.

I did see a different guy for over 3 years, but it was a very fucked up relationship, and Alex has been so amazing with me working through all that tbh.

A couple years ago, I ended up living in the same city as him, and as always I fell for him, despite my boyfriend back home.

The shitty relationship with my ex ended though, and slowly over months Alex and I became closer and closer.

He always maintained that he didn’t have really have feelings for me.

We had sex, but I ended up changing city again a couple times. He still said he didn’t have feelings.

He visited me when I was living in Wellington. Still said he didn’t have any real feelings. A few months later,I saw him again when I went down for his dads wedding, we didn’t seem as close then, and I worried that I was losing him, but everything turned out alright, he was just struggling with his dad getting remarried.

It took around another year till I saw him again, and everything was great, he’s truly the sweetest guy.

It’s only been about a 3 months since that trip, but he already just came up to visit me.

Originally, this last trip was supposed to be when my parents were away on holiday for a week, but when he couldn’t get leave to allow for that, he still came up on days we both had off, even though my parents were here. I feel sorry for him with this trip though… I ended up having a mental breakdown and falling asleep crying in his arms one night 😔

But anyway, it should be noted that we have texted constantly for the past two years or something, and before this last trip he admitted that he missed me, and has been throwing around the word “love” (but only in the context of he’d love cuddles or stuff like that... or I wouldn’t be asking this question at all 😜)

And when he was up here, the first night, he kept kissing me on the forehead, and shoulder, which is unusual, because he’s only ever kissed me in the context of making out/sex in the past. I think he thought I was asleep the first time actually. He was also very casual about cuddling me just around the corner from my parents, again, unusual. Previously, he really didn’t want our families to know about the nature of our relationship, which is understandable seeing as it was sorta just sex, and our families knowing each other since long before we were born and all, yeah, I get it 😂 but now, he seems to be dropping his guard there, and admitting that they’ve all probably figured it out anyway. Judging by his sister in laws comments, oh they know for sure 😂

It’s just he seems to be acting a lot more relationship-ey, less casual sex like, but I don’t want to get my hopes up if it’s all in my head. That’s when it hurts.

I’m waiting, but not putting all my eggs in one basket. If I like someone else, I’ll put myself out there if it’s at all appropriate, not that that happens much. And not that it ever panned out at all.

Alex knows exactly how I feel about him btw.

Sorry, this was very long in the end. I tried.