Devastated

April this year I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks after trying for 5 months.... I waited a couple months to give myself recovery time mentally and physically.

Then we tried again and on July 5, 2018i got my BFP.

I was so happy, we conceived, everything was good, I was ecstatic.... until my HCG levels stopped rising. I was having severe pain in the right side of my abdomen and was rushed to the hospital. When I got there I started having sudden heavy vaginal bleeding. I had severe internal bleeding which required a blood transfusion, my right Fallopian tube had burst. I had an ectopic pregnancy.

15 minutes later I was in the Surgery room and they removed my right Fallopian tube.

Recovery was hard... my doctor said my left tube was still beautiful and I still had a chance at conceiving.

I took a break.. and in late August my OBGYN said I could start trying again when I ovulated in September.

Well this month we tried again And it’s still a bfn.

My partner is over it... and I should be too but I’m not.

I still want to keep trying, and we’re going to, one last time.

And then that’s it.

My partner is too factual and doesn’t see what I’ve already invested In this. What Ive lost and how I’ve felt.

What if I don’t even ovulate on the left side?

What if it doesn’t happen and then it’s over?

I can’t just relax and let it happen because we need a donor.

I feel defeated.

I hope today was my last BFN. And I hope this final try actually works.