Today while having a conversation with my older brother he told me to just learn to deal with it learn to deal with the fact that there is one person every generation of our family who doesn't have a child and unfortunately it looks like I was the one that pulled the card that I should learn to just deal with that and get over it accept it because talking about it all the time to my loved ones does nothing but make them think I'm whiny week and sad and make them not care or what I have a conversation with me that I should just accept the card I've been dealt in life and move on with it I've been struggling with infertility for 5 years my husband and I have been trying everything we can you see I have PCOS and endometriosis so getting pregnant isn't an easy thing. And what makes it harder is my husband has a child from a previous relationship that I love and care for her as if she was my own so don't mistaken that I love her to death but his comments and my grandma's comments today about how at least I have her so I should just get over the fact that I will never have one of my own broke my heart then when I tried to explain to him that yes I do have her and I'm fortunate and lucky to be able to be part of this child's life I missed/miss out on a lot of things in her life(we have shared custody we get weekends mom geta week days) the small things that he takes for granted in his daughter's life things like the first words the first few steps all the way to things like riding a bike with no training wheels or losing a first tooth I miss out on a lot of things that I want more than anything else and I'm sorry if that makes me a bad person I just want to carry a child of my own and have a child of my own but doesn't change my relationship with my current daughter but I don't think it's fair to tell me to just get over it because it's probably never going to happen he knows how hard it's been for me and I don't talk about it very much to anyone a matter of fact I feel very lonely in my journey because I try to keep most of it in at least as much as I possibly can until I feel like I'm going to break into a million pieces. as he was telling me all this today all I wanted to do was break and cry and crumble into those million pieces and never glue the pieces back together the first thing that ran through my mind was go over to my mom's I'll talk to her about it all. about how he made me feel and think about my self but then what started to pop in the back of my head is what he said is she one of the ones that thinks I'm a whiny sad weak person that she could care less to have a conversation with anymore because she's sick of it do I call my husband and tell him about it all put at this point I wouldn't even be able to look him in the eye today without feeling like i completely failed him because im the reason why we don't have children of our own together yet is because of me because of all the tests that point to me but if my brother is right my husband will never have another child as long as he's with me that as long as he's with me he will never have another child that he can look into the eyes and see himself looking back as if I wasn't tormented by my own demons enough