Intimacy

So basically my entire life I’ve had a really hard time with intimacy. When I was younger, I always had a tremendous amount of anxiety especially when I was being looked at or being touched. As I grew older and began to have more serious relationships, it was always difficult for me to engage in anything sexual without feeling uncomfortable. Now I’m dating someone and something weird happened yesterday. We were both getting it on and he decided to eat me out (which I always refuse but this time I decided to let him do it). After I was done he wanted to keep going but I immediately felt disgusted with myself for actually finishing? I told him like hey I don’t wanna keep going, but he kept going. He didn’t force me, he was just trying to get me back in the mood. I felt extremely uncomfortable with myself and my body and I just felt so ashamed in that moment that as he continued to go down on me I bursted out into tears. He immediately stopped and we just kinda sat in the car and he kept asking me if I was okay. I wanted to throw up but after like ten minutes I was completely fine and I just wanted to forget the whole incident. Obviously , my boyfriend was concerned because I have never reacted like that toward anything he has ever done, and he felt guilty for continuing after I felt uncomfortable. In all honestly, I wanna forget the entire thing and I’m fine with it, but my boyfriend kept asking me if I had ever been sexually assaulted. This is a question I get a lot and I hate getting it. I do not remember anything from my childhood up until I moved to where I live now when I was like 7. I don’t remember ever being touched, but I have extreme negative feelings toward my grandfather. I remember bits of my childhood and I always remember myself being in a room at my grandfathers but I do not remember anything weird. Part of me wants to figure this out but the larger part of me wants to continue moving forward and never knowing. In all honesty I’m probably gonna continue going on with my life and not focus on the shit I don’t even know happened, because it’s too embarrassing and shameful for me to admit that I have no recollection of being sexually assaulted. I guess this post is more for me to rant and know if anyone has gone through something similar to this? It just blows my mind that I wouldntbe able to remember something like this, but I know trauma can block memories that are too painful. I just want to be able to not react to intimacy in a defensive way anymore.