Long post please read

I currently live with my boyfriend in the middle of nowhere. It's peaceful which is nice, but this place is honestly shit. Bugs everywhere, no heat, it's a basement apartment so it smells pretty bad, it's got mold in places we can't reach, and if it rains it floods and leaks under the door all over the carpet causing it to mold or whatever I don't know I just know it's gross.. but it's cheap for the amount of space we have. 500 including light and water for 1500sqft and I can have my dog. The worst part really is that we don't have phone service out here. Have to go about 10 minutes up the road to make a phone call.

The reason I say they probably don't like him is because the other day I called my family crying because of him yet again. I can't tell y'all how many times this guy has made me cry.. I feel like I've cried everyday for weeks. I'm exhausted by it.. I really don't need the stress of it. I don't need the stress of someone calling me a bitch or a hoe everytime he doesn't get his way.

Last night he wanted cuddles. Okay, I was fine with that. I however wanted him to shower first since he hadn't in two days and had been working. He smelt like sweat and grease and metal. It was honestly too much for my nose and he said he'd shower after dinner anyways.

He turns on the shower and leaves it running for a good while. He comes over to start cuddling me but I want him up because he's a bigger guy. He lays on me to cuddle and I feel crushed. He gets upset and says he won't turn off the water or take a shower blah blah I don't remember exactly so I'll spare the detail. I said shower or no sex joking when I said it. He gets ill over that. Says he's gonna play his game instead. I say okay and let him play his game.

Some time of him playing his game I stop him and start kissing on him leading into sex.

He continues to play his game after so I fell asleep.

He gets on top of me while I'm asleep to cuddle me but he pulls my hair instead by accident so I yell to get up and that it hurt. He has a habbit of pulling my hair alot. I really don't think he means it but most of it has been pulled out it feels. I've got frizz everywhere. Off topic yeah.

According to him it looked like I was about to hit him which is why he's so ill but the thought of hitting him never crossed my mind. It just hurt to have my hair pulled as I was waking up. I've got a very tender head. He said I made some face and put a fist up towards him. I knew I wasn't going to hit him so idk that made me mad.

We sleep on the sofas here at the house since we don't have a bed yet. It'd have to be moved from my mom's house down here an hour and a half away but I'm not sure it'll ever make it here. We normally push the sofas together so that we can have more room to cuddle each other but he didn't want that. He wanted to sleep alone. I was cuddling him since he'd taken a shower and I felt better about cuddling him but he didn't want it.

He got mad this morning because apparently I'm not putting any effort into the relationship. Big lie but okay. I told him sorry for not cuddling the way he wanted and that he played his game instead of cuddled me like he wanted. Yeah I told him to play the game so what. If he really wanted to cuddle with me he wouldn't have played the game for hours instead he'd have cuddled me. I told him that and he got even more upset. Saying I needed to leave that we won't work out ..

Literally after telling me, promising me that he'd never give me a reason to want to leave again.

I've really thought about it. I have thought about leaving my boyfriend. I thought about my life without him.. it's stressful. It's stressful either way. If I stay I feel like I'm walking on eggshells sometimes. Especially if he's in a mood. He gets mad over silly shit.. if I go then I have to live with my family again which was super stressful on me.

I've thought about leaving because I don't want to be torn down after years of building myself up. Years of coping with damage and healing. Learning to love myself.. he makes me feel pathetic and stupid alot of the time. Just the things he says to me. He strikes me on my past..

I want to leave before it gets really bad.. hell it's already gotten really bad several times in the 4 months we have been together. We have put our hands on each other. I may have started that shit but damn if you heard how he spoke to me I bet you'd do the same.. I didn't leave a mark and I don't hit hard. He's threatened to choke me on so many occasions. He gets agressive sexually. Says he'll rape me whenever he wants sex if I don't give it or he'll just bring another girl home and fuck her in front of me.. I don't want him putting his hands on me.. I don't want him to push me off the sofa again, or flip the air mattress causing me to break a mirror that had fell on the floor. I'm glad it was face down... I'd have glass in my face if not. He's tried to push me out of a car and successfully pulled me from the car and left me laying on the ground. Back scratched up and everything.. he also ripped a good shirt that day.

He tells me to leave and that he hates me and doesn't love me anymore... Wants nothing to do with me.. but then loves on me. He wants sex after that and if I don't give it he gets mad and continues his shit... It's an emotional rollercoaster and it's toxic.

The other day my family drove out here. I called my mom crying telling her how he was the other morning when he pushed me off the sofa and flipped the matress. That was monday. It's Wednesday.. I didn't tell my family about that. I haven't told my family about anything physical he's done towards me. He's told my family I hit him though 🤷 okay whatever. I had him recorded admitting to everything he'd done to me... He forced me to delete the videos...

He's at work when my family is on the way down. I tell him what's happening and he's crying saying he'll leave work to come to me to stop me. Well... He does. He walks out of work and comes to the McDonald's I was at and we talk. He begs me not to leave. That he sees now he needs me and he really loves me and our unborn child and how he wants to be apart of our life and be a family.. I'm 5 weeks pregnant by him 🙄 I also want to leave because of this pregnancy.. not because I don't want it or he doesn't want it.. but because I don't need the stress of him. I don't need to be in fear that he's going to get physical one day with me and hurt me more than he's already done.

My family gets to the McDonald's and my grandmother starts giving my boyfriend and ear full about how he needs to treat me better blah blah and how he needs to get help and therapy and all this other stuff I know he won't do.. he treated me good for the rest of that day after I begged my family to let me stay that I promised it'd be okay.. I really wonder if I should have gone with them..

I talk about wanting to leave and I have a place to go. I've got a very loving and supportive family. I've always had that and I'm so grateful for it. I don't actually want to leave though. Or maybe I'm just scared of having to start all over after getting to this point now. I lost my job last week because of him and he can't see that.. he made me feel like such shit.. saying how he doesn't want me, I'm just a hoe, he bets I spread my legs for everyone.. saying he doesn't believe he got me pregnant that it's someone else's.. he told me he wanted an abortion. That he'd pay.. he continued to say those things on the way to work. We had one car at the time and worked right next to each time so it made sense to go together even tho I went in two hours after. He went to work and I cried myself to sleep for the hour oand a half of time I had before I went to work at8am.

Well I can't stop crying. Everything he said and everything he did just kept replaying in my head. Honestly I'm terrified of him sometimes. I have shook in fear because of him. I just wanted to feel better. I worked at a manufacturering plant and was doing my job but I couldn't stop crying. I told my manager I'd had a really rough morning that I didn't want to talk about it. I felt too scared.. I was walked out and sent home.. an hour later I was still sitting in the parking lot and I get a call saying not to come back.. j tell my boyfriend what happened and he blows up on me again... Honestly I wonder if losing my job was a sign.. making it easier to get out now..

I love him.. or I did I don't know anymore. I don't feel much.. I don't know what to feel anymore for him. I will always have love for him. Especially with this pregnancy.. but I'll also always resent him for the way he's made me feel. I'll always resent the fact our relationship started on lies and never got better.

I'll resent him for being so jealous over nothing. I hate nothing more than jealousy.. he knew he had me.. he sees I'm slipping away and it scares him. He wants to control me... I blocked everyone I knew before him because he wanted me too.. he got mad that I was talking to guys and so I stopped.. I blocked everyone for him..

I feel stupid for doing alot of what I've done. I have spent literally all of my money doing this... Savings and all... I'm not proud to say that... I feel like I'm helping him stay afloat... When my car broke down and he didn't have one I spent my money getting a peice of shit car.. I spent my savings doing that and to insure it.

Everyone who I talk about my relationship too has told me to run. To run for the hills and ever look back. To take this pregnancy and take care of myself. I want him in my life. I love spending every second with him.. I just don't know if we will work out or not.