My husband and I have been together for 13years and married for 2. For the past year (at least) I have been depressed and extremely unhappy in our relationship and he didn’t seem to really care until recently. We have consistently had financial issues because I am the most stable and make the most money, whereas he doesn’t keep a job for very long and I always end up having to pick up his slack for one reason or another. Even when he does have a job he comes up short on his portion of bills consistently and I still spend the majority of the money on us whether it be for food, things for the house, gas, etc. I also keep up with practically everything in our lives, making sure he goes to appointments/ court, doing our taxes, keeping up maintenance on the car, finding a house for us, etc. I take on majority of our responsibilities both shared and individual.. Along with the financial issues I have major issues of trust with him. We’ve been together since we were Sophomores in high school and over the years there have been at least 3 different women (that I know of) that he has cheated on me with. One relationship spanning over a year, during the time of which he’s out of work, driving my car, and I’m working my ass off to provide for us. These cases of infidelity all happened before we were married and when we were in college so I allowed him to convince me that he had changed, he was just young and dumb, and that he wouldn’t marry me if he was going to do that again. However, in this past year I found out that he was talking to the girl that he cheated on me with again (said it was just talking, she’s not even in the state anymore 😒) , and there have been a couple other occasions where I feel like he may have been up to no good. Leaving the house to “go to Walmart” for hours at a time at 2am and coming back with nothing, texting number with no name in his phone and deleting them, and someone even called my mom one day saying they saw him hugged up in public with someone that obviously wasn’t me. Not to mention the fact that he’s been out of work majority of this year so I’ve been struggling to make ends meet, working two jobs and doing odd jobs, while he watched me struggle and does whatever the hell he wants. Wouldn’t help with the house or the dogs or cooking even though I work 10-12 hrs days on my feet. I would tell him over and over how I felt and ask that he change his attitude or try to help me trust him but we always end up arguing and then he says shit like he’s not willing to do the things I need to make me feel secure or he doesn’t want to. So I guess after feeling so alone for so long I just started distancing myself from the relationship. I stopped complaining and asking him questions (since that always seemed to upset him) and just started doing my own thing. Stopped letting him use my car since he doesn’t have a license and doesn’t help pay for anything on it (which pissed him off so we consistently argued about it). And eventually I guess my feelings just began to change. I realized I deserve better and more and shouldn’t have to beg for it. So now I feel like maybe I’m not in love with him anymore because I hardly want to be around him and even when I am I just feel uptight and stressed or aggravated. I don’t wanna have sex or even be touched by him, I have very little to say to him, and I’ve just started imagining what my life would be like without him. I’m hanging out with my friends more and working out and now I’m going to counseling, and it feels great.. until I go home to him. And I feel really bad about it because now that I’ve been going to counseling and he actually came to one of my sessions and was very open and honest and seemed to have received the information well because he agreed to make some changes and even come back for more counseling. But even since he has been making the changes as far as helping out more around the house and getting back to work, I still feel like I’m just over it now. Even though I said I would try I can’t bring myself to be affectionate with him and when we have sex I’m just doing it because I know he wants it so I’m just waiting for it to be over (which sucks because we used to have a great sex life but now I’m not turned on at all). And even though I forgive him for the infidelity I can’t forget it and I’m not sure that I’ll ever be able to get over it. There seems to always be someone contacting me saying they slept with him or are involved with him just when I’m trying to trust him again. And I can’t keep dealing with the stress of wondering is it true or not. I just feel like I don’t have peace of mind in this marriage and I really want that but I don’t see myself getting it here. I just feel like even though he’s trying, the damage has been done and I would like to move on but I know he won’t make that easy either based on the past times when I tried to leave. I’ve told him a few times that I’m done and don’t want to try anymore but I feel like he just ignores it and tries to sweep it under the rug, but I just can’t!

If you’re still reading, thank you for listening! I’m sorry it was so long!! I just needed to vent and know if I’m wrong for the way I feel or if anyone has been in the same situation or similar. I just feel trapped and don’t know what to do. I hate the thought of my marriage failing, but now I hate the thought of staying more.

February 2021 UPDATE:

A couple months after I posted this I finally left him. It was super hard and I relapsed a couple times but ultimately realized he was never going to change and leaving was the best thing I could do. It’s been 2years and it’s still the best decision for me and I couldn’t be happier! I’m also now in a relationship with an amazing man that adores me and treats me like a Queen!y