I'm reaching out to glow right now honestly in hopes that you can offer me some kind of advice or even just a kind word. My now ex boyfriend and I had an argument earlier on in the day on Friday, we had been arguing a lot previously so there was definitely tension already. Anyways, I was trying to show him how to put the cat harness on our cat, the instructions were on this piece of paper, I was trying to show it to him and explain but he just ripped it out of my hands. I was taken back by this and knowing how bad my anxiety gets, I decided to just go into the bedroom with my door closed in order to hopefully prevent another argument. I exited the room about 8 minutes later to use the restroom, after that I went into the living room to try and tell him that he hurt my feelings by just grabbing the paper from me and I didn't expect it, his response was "Well I'm not really sorry", and then he went on his phone. I was having a full blown panic attack at this point, and I really just wanted to feel loved by him again as the relationship had been deteriorating for awhile but he held the finances and everything else so that's another reason I felt stuck. Out of panic and frustration I knocked over this mesh collapsible shelf we had in the living space, I picked it right back up because I had realized that this wasn't worth it anymore, the relationship wasn't... And I'm just not that person. When I turned back to face him he was so close to me (for reference) that I had to look up at him, when I looked up I saw his arm was raised and coming down towards me... He's grabbed me by my neck before during arguments and shaken me, among other things... I thought he was going to hit me or try to grab me by the neck again and the look in his eyes was terrifying... so I hit him and tried to push him away from me, I don't even know where I hit him because I was just trying to get him away so I could go. When I turned around he came in front of me and then he grabbed me by the neck and tried to lift me up by it again. I was afraid that he was really going to hurt me this time so I just started thrashing and trying to get him to let go, I was able to shove him away from me and I couldn't breathe so I tried to sit down. He kept saying he was going to call the cops and get me arrested, I was panicking and all I could think of doing was asking him not to, and telling him I'd do better and that I'd be better. I guess he got tired of me speaking and/or trying to stop him. So he grabbed me from behind, wrapped his legs around my abdomen and squeezed, he squeezed so hard that I thought my ribs were going to break... I told him it hurt and I asked him over and over to please let go, but he wouldn't. I was running out of air and felt my body getting "limp" I tried everything at that point... Scratching, biting, hitting, finally I pulled his hair hard enough and he let go. He calls them, tells them I've been abusing him for months and that I attacked him. I was able to get out the bedroom window and tried calling everyone I could, I was freaking out, I never called the cops on him because he would always apologize whenever he did something, or he would invalidate my feelings/say that I'm psychotic and that he never put his hands on me.. He made me believe that no one would ever believe me. My cousin recommended I call 911 once I got a safe distance away from the house, I did. I told them what happened (in full) and that I needed medical... Also that he had all of my belongings... Money, ID etc they sent the cop to me to arrest me, and charged with assault because he had marks on him. Marks he got because I was trying to get him off of me... No statement taken from me, I wasn't checked by medical even after telling them repeatedly that I was in pain and needed medical attention.. When the female police officer patted me down she said "well you sure do have a lot of places to hide things" as she went through my box braids, which made me automatically uncomfortable. I was released on conditions. Yesterday I went to the hospital to get myself checked out and to document my injuries. I've contacted almost every every possible person who could help me out, including legal aid so that I have a lawyer. I do want to press charges against my ex, because he physically injured me... I was defending myself when I thought I was in danger, and after he literally tried to lift me by my neck... He shook me for the first time almost a week ago and gave me whiplash, I don't know how I was able to write that off... But I did. I haven't been able to sleep much since Friday, whenever I close my eyes It's like I'm right back in his house and he's coming at me. My ribs are heavily bruised and so I don't believe I'll be able to start the new job I got. Which is just another stressor, I feel guilt because I didn't leave. But it was so hard to walk away 😔.