I have lost a little over 50 pounds in the last 9 months. I am overall much healthier and happier. However, I am worried that it’s now becoming an obsession and borderline eating disorder.

I started off eating a lot healthier and doing some cardio each night. I’m still keeping up with this but I find myself being a lot more restrictive. With it being the holiday season I’m fighting an internal battle almost daily.

“One piece of pie won’t hurt”

“No, don’t do it...it’s not worth it”

“Just eat it, it’s not healthy to deprive yourself”

“If you eat it, you’ll gain weight”

^^ examples of my inner monologue over a single piece of pie...

Last night I caved and ate a piece and immediately felt ashamed of myself. I then started binging (something I used to do a lot before the weight loss) and ate antiheroes piece plus some chips and a dinner roll.

I got incredibly nauseated and ended up vomiting because I guess my stomach couldn’t handle so much food at once. Then a bad thought kind of creeped up into my head...

“Well, maybe you can enjoy the holidays...just binge eat and you’ll throw up and most of it won’t count anyway”

So, I’m sure you see the issue here and honestly, I’m a bit scared of what this is going to turn into. I don’t want to be sick...but I also don’t want to gain any weight. I’m actually terrified of the idea of gaining weight at this point. Normal weight fluctuations are incredibly difficult for me. I see a pound or two change and feel like I need to “punish,” myself.

Any advice on how to stop this before it gets worse? I’m afraid to tell my husband or anyone else so I came here.