Sad over an ‘unwanted’ pregnancy scare that wasn’t ...

I’m a mum of two who knows she wants another child in the next few years. My youngest will be two in January and I hadn’t given much thought to when until this month when I was almost convinced I was pregnant and have 5 negative tests to show for it.

The snag is my husband since having two is certain he doesn’t want more. He is beyond relieved - which hurts even more. I feel like I got attached to this non-pregnancy fearing its my last chance because now he is going to be so on the ball with getting me on contraception. Since our youngest we have used condoms - I’m breastfeeding and hate the pill and abit squeemish about the implant.

Now I can’t stop thinking about a third baby that I know he doesn’t want. I don’t want to trick him into it because he will resent me but I can feel myself already resenting him. I have been delaying these feeling until I came to being ready to have another child but now it’s here I’m terrified at what effect it will have on our relationship - which is pretty good. I can’t even face sex this past week because all I can think about is that it won’t lead to a baby.

In the grand scheme of life I’m incredibly lucky with two healthy children and a loving husband. But I can’t turn off the eternal chatter.

I’ve read so many threads on similar issues but just wanted to write how I’m feeling down in words to also help me process all of this. Ergh .......