Very low. 29 weeks pregnant.

I really just wanted to get this off my chest. I don’t know what I want to hear.

I’m now 29 weeks pregnant. This is my second child. My first pregnancy was a breeze. I had very mild morning sickness for all of two weeks. I then developed SPD which I did really suffer with. Ended up using crutches to get around although i was mostly confined to bed. This was all in the last leg of the pregnancy though so altogether it was bearable.

This pregnancy however has been a nightmare for me. I had morning sickness (severe) up until last month. I lost weight and had really low blood pressure meaning I felt faint and nauseas all the time. I had bleeding, which turned out to be fine thank god but you can imagine the fear that goes through your mind. Around week 12, the SPD hit. The pain on a day to day basis is horrible. Turning over in bed. Getting up the stairs. Standing up from sitting down in work. I know this is all part and parcel of pregnancy but of course, it makes me feel down.

All of this is physical.

But what’s worse is the emotional pain I’ve been feeling.

I lost my grandma the day before my birthday. October 6th to be exact. I was so close to her and although she had been sick for a long time it was so painful. I then lost an auntie the following week.

And now, my partner.. the person who has always been my backbone has been so distant. He doesn’t touch me. When he does it’s because I’ve made a comment about it. I then feel like he only does it because he feels guilty or pities me. I am my own worst enemy. The sexual part of our relationship is practically non existent now. He admitted to me that he masturbates to porn movies on the tv while I’m at work. He said it so casually and I laughed at first. Until I made a joke about him finding the time to do that but not be intimate with me. He went in to say his sex drive was lacking...doesn’t sound like it to me.

I’m so sorry for the super long rant. I’m just emotionally exhausted. I love my baby. I love my son. I love my partner. But why do I feel like this? Why am I taking everything so hard. Please tell me I’m not alone x