Hello 🖐

Hello, Im Chels. I am a new mommy... my son is 2 1/2 months old.. And I love him.

I love him. But I didnt plan on having him this year. I look at him sometimes and just cry because he wasnt planned. He was a complete surprise. But I love him. I never knew I could love someone I had never met until the first glance, first touch, and hearing him cry-for the first time...

I am a new mommy who had to go back to work full time just to have money for rent and food. I am a mommy. I am working mommy... But I miss my son. I long for him all day at work. To hold him in my arms as he falls asleep. To hold his little hands and feet and kiss his chubby cheeks. But he needs a place to sleep... so I work and he goes to the sitter.. But I want to hold him.

I am a mommy who cries when he sleeps because I miss him. But I am a mommy who wishes he was sleeping when hes awake. I am a mommy that tries to have the perfect place. A clean home-with the dishes done and laundry folded and put away. I cant do it all. I wish I could.. But I cant.

I am a mommy... I cry in the shower remembering how different. My life was just over a year ago. I cry knowing he wont be little for long. I cry when I cant get him to stop crying. I cry knowing he wasnt planned or desired at that particular time. But I love him.

I go to his appointments to make sure he is well but I forget about myself. I am a mommy so I CANT get sick right? I am invincible. Right? Thats what Im told to be. I ask for help and people say you got this it just takes time... I look at them wonder if they heard my plea. If they see the bags under my eyes. If they can see the frustration when I cant fix the problem making him cry... Only If they could see my thoughts.. or do they see them on my face? Can they tell my smile is fake?

If they knew only knew... But I am a mommy... I cant get sick. Or wore down. Or complain that Im just too tired. At least thats what Im told. Everything is about him now. Everything revolves around him and his well being.

This mommy thing is so hard. I miss my life before I had him. I miss my sleep, I miss my body, I miss my sanity, and my glowing skin. I miss they way it used to be. But I love him and I wouldnt change a thing. I love him more than I love anyone else on this planet. But I didnt plan on having him this year.

Somedays are better than otherdays. But these days are the best days. Even if I cant really see it now.

I am a new mommy who has sealed herself away. Who cant sleep anymore. Who hates the way she looks. Who cant tell if shes doing the right thing. A mommy who knew something was wrong with her when she looked at her baby and thought "i didnt want you then" BUT I am a mommy who looked at her baby and smiled and said "I didnt know I needed you then. And I love you now."

I dont see what everyone else sees. But I see what I see and I saw that I needed help.

Hello, My name is Chels. I am a new mommy. I have PPD. But I love my son.