Why god why?

In a domestic violence shelter. My daughters father decided to kick us out on thanksgiving in 20 degree weather. Actually he said our daughter could stay but me and my son had to leave. He spitefully kicked me out because I decided to change her name. The crazy thing is every time I told him I was going to, he said go ahead and also said he encourages me to. So I did it.

He kicked us out and I had no where to go. I could’ve gotten him arrested in my state because I found out afterwards from the domestic violence officer that he wrongfully evicted me. All I wanted was my stuff though. So I didn’t escalate anything but just got the police to escort me to get my things.

But this is not the worse he’s done to me. When I was pregnant, he called our daughter a stupid bitch to my stomach several times. Said he was joking to get a reaction out of me. He also cheated on me with another woman unprotected and then had sex with me the next day. Of course I didn’t find out until a month after I gave birth to our daughter. The biggest slap in the face was the girl knew he was still having sex with me. I was the only one that was clueless. Oh, when our daughter was born, he would hold her over the garbage on several occasion and think it was funny. After I would tell him to stop. Not to mention, every time after we had sex, he’d call me a s1ut and say he doesn’t respect me. Said he was joking about those things too. That he got it from a movie. Whatever.

In October, he got mad about an argument we had. He started to punch himself in the head and then bang his head against the wall. All because he was trying not to hit me he said.

I think the most aggravating thing is that yeah I did some wrongs too. Like after I found out about the girl, I told him he would never see his daughter again. I was angry and hormonal. However, he took it upon himself to go onto Instagram and under our daughter picture caption “my niece ‘ana’”. I felt humiliated and I felt he was ashamed of her. I reacted immaturely and deleted all his pictures on Instagram and captioned his status as “I have aids, please get checked.” Just so every girl he was possibly talking to would feel disgusted and he would feel humiliated just like he made me feel. Well things just got worse. Every argument he would tell me he would sign over his rights. (He doesn’t really have any since I still married to another man but legally separated). So I believed that’s what he wanted. But now he’s trying to take me to court for custody. I guess from the advice of his female friend. The same woman who told me it’s a compliment to be called a s1ut after sex. 🙄

I have an order of protection against him. Because I told him I’m most likely leaving our state because I have other family members there that will help me. He basically said he won’t stop coming after me for our daughter. And so I felt threatened. Because he has tasers and hidden knives in his room. One of his friends owns a gun down the street. He already has told me twice he felt like hitting me. One time when I was crying and the other time when he punched himself in the head.

He has a habit of mentally abusing me. Telling me one minute we’re working things out and then the next we weren’t. Then would tell me he’s not looking to talk to anyone but then I find out he’s talking to some other female.

So I’m sitting here on my bed in this shelter... crying and trying to figure out wtf did I do to deserve any of this. I don’t know where to go from here. My sister makes me feel wrong for keeping the baby away from him. Why should I bring my daughter around someone like him? Just because he genetically made her? A father is much more than that. For right now, he’s been acting like a sperm donor.