This is hard.

I never thought I wanted children. I never had a maternal pull towards kids in fact when babies or kids were around I would run the other way or feel awkward. Until now. At 36. I told my husband that I decided I did want kids after all and he almost passed out. Really! Well, we started trying in April and I got pregnant right away! I'd never been so happy and even though it was super early we told EVERYONE! Based on my age and some other factors I didn't think I would be pregnant so quickly. Time for the first ultrasound my husband and I were so excited. They only saw a gestational sac and yolk sac no baby. Dr. it's okay it may just be too early still. Two more ultrasounds and just a fetal pole but no more development. Hormones were tested and they went down. Got the horrible news in June the pregnancy wasn't viable. I was devastated. I opted for a D&C because I had a large cyst on my ovary that the DR wanted to remove. I had a ton of issues after, I got very ill and then my period wouldn't come for 3 months. It's been 6 months of trial and error to get well and get my body back on track. Throughout all of that I was in a deep depression because I just couldn't move on. My body seemed to not let me. I couldn't start trying again. I suffered and my husband suffered. I blamed myself because I decided so late to have children. Why did I wait so long? Would my outcome have been different if I started sooner? I feel like I'm running out of time. I am now finally able to begin trying again and my body seems to be back on track. Like I said it's been hard. But I also know the sun will shine again. I will have a rainbow baby. To my angel baby, I love you. I will pray for everyone TTC.