Yesterday, my husband and I found out that we are having another boy.... I really truly felt like I was having a girl and that is what we wanted. Well, honestly, my husband didn’t really care if we had a boy or a girl.

But I swear to God, when he shot the tannerite and there wasn’t any pink, I was so mad! And frustrated and so so sad. And then, I felt guilty and somewhat embarrassed. Everybody else around me was excited and I just said nothing and got back in the car and just closed my eyes and wished that we could hurry up and get home so I could just crawl in bed and cry. All I’ve wanted to do is cry. And I feel TERRIBLE. Like, why tf am I so damn upset?!?! And I know that it’s ok to have gender disappointment so why do I feel so guilty and embarrassed of myself?? My husband was going to be happy no matter what the baby was, and he was very clearly excited. And when he saw that I wasn’t, he tried to cheer me up and say it was ok. I just didn’t feel like talking to anybody. I didn’t feel like putting on a smile and celebrating. I guess he figured maybe as the hours passed last night that I would feel better, because when I didn’t he became really upset and mad. I know he doesn’t understand and doesn’t know what gender disappointment is, but for real? Just let me have my damn mood.

But now, I just want my mood to be over. I’m just laying here in bed at 5am feeling our 2nd baby boy kick and it’s a good feeling but I still want to just uncontrollably ugly cry. Does this feeling ever go away? Am I going to feel like this for the rest of my pregnancy. I have no one to talk to. I have no family here where we live. I don’t want to talk to his family m, or honestly my family, for the fear of being judged.

My eyes still burn and are puffy from crying all day yesterday. I just don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to feel this way! But I know that I shouldn’t put myself through guilt and shame either.

Thanks for sticking through this post. This is the only place where I feel I can talk about these things.