A year ago today I learned I was 5 weeks pregnant with our first. A couple days later I miscarried over the week of Christmas.

I am now 23w 4d pregnant with our little boy and I don't have that fear of losing him like I thought I would, he's perfectly healthy. But today, that "a year ago today" picture came up on my phone. A picture of the positive pregnancy test from my miscarriage and the sorrow and pain all of a sudden came back. I could have her/him in my arms right now and it hurts knowing that I don't. But it also hurts knowing that if I didn't have that miscarriage I wouldn't be pregnant with our boy. There's hurt and there's joy. But tonight, I will fall asleep crying for my fallen blackbird.