Im making this post because I keep seeing so much on social media about it. Ladies know you are not alone, you are not crazy and if you get help you will be ok. Im living proof of it. I never realized that what I was experiencing was post partum depression until almost 4 years later. I'm writing this post in hopes that it will help someone going through this feel better. I will tell my story. So when I was 19 I became pregnant with my first child, my son. I went through a horrible abusive relationship with my sons father. He tried to kill me twice. Anyways I was kicked out of my parents house and living in an apartment my grandmother was paying for while I was pregnant. When I had my son I was going through a lot of stress. I had no help other than financial support (thank god) but even that was until my sons 1st birthday then my grandmother would no longer support me. She had done more than enough for me. Anyways I was with my son day and night on my own. He screamed non stop nothing would calm him or make him happy. He literally would not sleep it was horrible and it was incredibly lonely and depressing. But at that point it was just regular depression. Well right before my son turned a year old I started struggling with really sick evil thoughts. They were by no mean things I wanted to do to myself or my son but the fact that I had the capability to do it terrorized me. I became obsessed with the what if thoughts. I felt guilty that such thoughts would even come into my mind. I was so scared and upset by it. These were the first signs. Then I started feeling very panicky out of nowhere. It was to the point where I would go to bed by 5pm so I didn't have to feel that way. Then my sleep started getting disrupted I was having horrible sleep paralysis and incredibly real nightmares of demons literally like out of the movies. To this day I still question if it was real or not. I started having non stop chatter in my brain of hundreds of random conversations about everything and nothing all at once. It wouldn't stop. Then during the day when iwould try to eat I would stop in fear that I wasn't chewing properly and was going to choke and die on my food. Then the obsessing over every sound started. The sound of silence drove me insane. I could hear the buzzing of the lights and it wouldn't stop. I'd obsess over the ringing in my ears. I couldn't eat. I was to scared to stay awake because it would cause panic but i was also terrified to sleep. I couldnt get the random chatter out of my head not to mention I had a screaming baby and my arm would start to go numb to where I couldn't feel it. I felt sedated. I could barely function. My anxiety was making me so tired it was horrible. I was going through all these symptoms all at once every single day all day and night. I was in my own personal hell. I was so sad and scared that I would have to go to a psych ward and then I wouldn't be able to care for my son. I felt like such a horrible mother. This went on for a few months. One day I finally had a mental break down and called my parents. I told them I couldnt do it anymore. At that point I didn't want to live. I've never been suicidal or understood it until this point. The only reason I didn't take my life is because I knew my baby boy needed me. My whole body felt tingly and my brain was about to explode. The sounds in my head were so loud and the chatter was so constant and my body was giving out. I couldn't even pick my son out of the play pen. My dad came got me and my mom took my son. My dad took me to the hospital where i stayed in the psych ward for 24 hrs. They diagnosed me with anxiety. They gave me medicine which slowed my racing thoughts but made me to tired to function. My parents took me back to their house. I felt so guilty. I couldn't even care for my baby. I was so traumatized and scared it would happen again. After that it got slightly better but I think only because I was more open about it. I started going to therapy but I also started having severe panic attacks every single night for almost 2 years after. During that time I found an amazing man to care for myself and my son. Him just being who he is has helped so much. But I was still having severe panic and anxiety attacks it just was at night. I was taking medicine during this time and I was so tired which I didnt realize till after i got off the medicine after i found out I was pregnant with my second son. I started seeing a behavioral therapist as well and that really helped. Almost 4 years later and i do still have anxiety and I've only had a couple panic attacks in the past couple years because I was so traumatized from my ppd. But I'm pretty much my normal self now. If I can get through it anyone can get through it. Don't give up. Don't feel like you're the only one or yes other moms have it but not like this. You can make it. No matter how bad it gets you can feel normal again. Realize that sometimes it can start months even a year after having a baby and it can even last years. But if you get help you can and will get through it. Never give up. Always ask for help. Also strengthen your relationship with God. I use to never pray. Now I pray on everything and i know God allowed me to get through it ❤️