It really hurts not to get pregnant after so long of trying. Those moments you randomly bloat and think it just might be. All the prayers sent up to see if you’ll get blessed with a little soul inside you to grow within you for 9 months.

I am saying this because I feel I needed to talk about it. All of my friends around me are getting pregnant or already have little blessings and your left wondering when your time will be. Endless days of hoping and nights of crying, just beging God to hear your cries and prayers out to him. More and more money being wasted on pregnancy tests that only end up showing a single line insted of that second one. Every month you get your hopes up and then flow pays a visit and you fall into a sad state and feel like it’s never going to work out. Then only to do the whole process over again. Everyone around me is fertile and and can get pregnant just looking at a picture of a newborn. Not me. I haven’t ever been to a gyno before... Yeah... a 20 year old married woman that has had a Urethral surgery when she was 4 has never ever been to a gyno and I’m still trying to find a good one to go to.

Then... I am gaining weight. Stressed related. Binge eating unhealthy foods and not getting out to exercise enough. My husband tells me I’m beautiful and he doesn’t care what my weight could ever turn out to be, but it’s not that I don’t think he doesn’t see me as beautiful or that he won’t love me for my size, it’s that I am afraid of my own body, and every month I try to convience myself that it’s because I am pregnant... but it never happens. It’s only that I’m gaining weight.

I am extremely hard on myself and for you to read this far, it’s either because you care or you can really relate. I’m sorry if you relate to this. It hurts, and I know just how you feel. It’s hard to get through each moment of this. Your anxiety kills and your always having to repeat steps to try and get what you feel you deserve most... a baby of your own. We all know it’s different for everyone, but some of us are really hard on ourselves and we beat ourselves up but then still push on to try again. We’ve made it this far, lets not give up now...