My husband and I have been married for two years and together under three. I’m also 26 weeks pregnant with our first child together. He has no kids but I have a daughter from a previous marriage.

He and I communicate very differently and it’s caused a lot of blow out fights. Basically, he withdraws and I pursue. I need to talk through the issue and he grew up where things weren’t talked about, so he stonewalls, gets means, and shows contempt as a means to end the conversation because he’s so uncomfortable.

I’ve learned to just back off when I see him getting to that place but the problem is that we never fully discuss the issue afterwards. He really sees that every escalated conflict is because of me and he has a magic ability to ignore his part in it. On occasion, he’ll apologize on his own... I no longer expect him to reflect or be apologetic so I am grateful when it happens naturally.

Most of the time, when it escalates, I stay calm. Sometimes I cry if he’s really mean and he has made fun of me crying which obviously hurts more. He uses things against me when we fight. For example, I feel that I’m a super humble person, reflective, very transparent and honest about my own faults, and I spend time with therapy, books, videos, etc. to learn how to be the best version of myself and tame demons from my past. Instead of respecting me for that, he uses it to say I have massive issues and everything I’m doing it pointless and stupid. My mom has some serious issues with being financially, emotionally, and relationally irresponsible and he knows how much I struggle being around her because she doesn’t try to learn from her faults, she only complains about them. He tells me I’m worse than her because he knows it will hurt me.

So I’m usually sitting there stunned at the balls he has to say these things to me, wondering what’s true and what’s being said out of anger. Then when I try to reason with him (still calmly) he’ll tell me to “shut the fuck up.”

Now, there are two sides to every story and I wish I could explain his, but because he never will have a full, honest conversation about conflict without blaming me for it, I honestly dont understand what it could be.

When we aren’t fighting, he is really an amazing husband. He’s good to my daughter from a previous marriage, hardworking, thoughtful, affectionate, equally takes responsibility in the home, and we get each other and laugh together all the time. He has marginally gotten better about responding to my emotional needs but then in the fight made a comment insinuating that he’s just appeasing me to make life easier for himself.

I know this app is divorce happy because that’s the easiest advice to give (though appropriate for abuse situations). I’m not looking to get divorced, but I can only control myself. If he isn’t willing to look at his own behavior, unwilling to go to counseling (he would opt for divorce instead so ultimatums are futile), unwilling to talk openly without getting into another fight, and really feels these things about me, then I don’t know what the point is.

He recently texted me an unsolicited apology about how he realized how amazing I am and how awful that realization made him feel about how he’s treated me. It felt good because it was genuinely coming from him without any prompting at all. It was out of nowhere.

But here we are again! I just don’t know what to do. Luckily my daughter is with her dad this weekend but she has witnessed him yelling at me, saying awful things, sleeping in another room or on the couch. He doesn’t seem to have a filter for how this impacts her sense of stability. So I have some time with just us but I have to pick her up later this evening and not sure how to go about it. What usually happens after something like this if I just completely leave him alone, he’ll eventually come and kiss me but we won’t really talk. If I try, another fight ensues.