Please dont judge me for my feelings, its a really exciting, confusing and scary time for me and its 3am and I can’t sleep and these are just the thoughts and feelings I’m working through.

Im scared of becoming a mom. Im scared of what kind of parent I will be, and I’m scared of all the responsibility it will take. Im in school right now majoring in Nanoengineering at the Jacobs school of engineering and minoring in entrepreneurship and innovation at the rady school of business and its been such a challenge as it is being 11weeks pregnant and taking 4 classes. Im exhausted everyday and I’m barely keeping up on the schoolwork alone. Its a really important time for me socially, academically and it terms of networking and preparing for a career. I should be getting involved in student organizations, beginning internships, getting lab experience to prepare for graduate school and getting to know the staff involved in my major so I can acquire references. But like I said I’m barely hanging on staying on top of homework, studying for exams and dragging my tired pregnant butt to class. So, I think...okay just get through the pregnancy, and then once the baby is born I can get back to kicking ass and start doing some of things I stated earlier. I give birth during summer break August 3rd and then start the next quarter in the fall 2 months after giving birth. But I’m scared of post partum depression, exhaustion from taking care of the baby in the middle of the night, and that I wont be able to do schoolwork because the babies crying and screaming and needing to be fed and needing to be changed all when I have some impending deadline or exam to study for. And I’m supposed to do internships and extra curriculars then on top of it??? No, I’ll probably have to push all of those things forward one more year.

I planned this pregnancy and I wanted to have this baby because I’m 30years old, turning 31 in march, and I have 3 years left of my major till I graduate, plus I plan to go to graduate school and I didn’t want to wait till I was out of school possibly 3-5 years later to have the baby. That puts me at 33-35 years old and then I’m also just then trying to hit the job market at that time and as a new employee trying to climb the corporate ladder I don’t want to be pregnant during that time. I want people to take me seriously and I dont want to be physically zapped when I’m trying to impress my superiors and gain credibility in my career. So, I figured this would be a lesser of responsibilities and physical time down because I do have flexibility in my time schedule as it is now.

Im scared of how I’m going to make all of these things work, and I’m praying that I can hold it together because it took a lot for me just to get to where I am today. I was a highschool freshman drop out, battled with alcoholism, anxiety and depression and fought my way to be to where I am today. I returned to community college when I was 25 and had to start with elementary algebra and worked my way all the way through 10 levels of math, a full sequence of chemistry and physics as well as 120 units worth of coursework just to be accepted and transfer to university I am in now. I overcome many obstacles to have the opportunities that are just now in my reach. I want this baby more than anything but I’m terrified that it might take me down and snatch the dreams away from what I have worked so hard to acquire.

I already feel like my body has been hijacked. I cant sleep at night, I have no control over what I’m able to eat, im emotional and unstable, im exhausted beyond belief, and feel like I’m just a host for this babies life right now. This baby makes me wake up all night long to go pee, but only a couple droplets come out. I havent slept more than 4-6 hours a night for the last month. I think, sure this suck now, im giving up my whole body, but its only going to get worse right? Theres much more I’m giving up than just my body.

Having this baby potentially put me at risk of not doing well in school, losing social contacts and networking, going to events that could promote my future career,building my marketable skills and qualifying marks for graduate school. My identity as I knew it before will be robbed and replaced with mother and caregiver and my new creed will be of selflessness and devotion to this child. I will no longer be the person I was, i will be above all else, first and foremost, a mom and that will take over and absorb all facets of my life. This is really cool and exciting but terrifying at the same time. Its exciting because I cant wait to be a mom. I cant wait to watch my baby have its first everything! First icecream cone, first time it sees a lady bug, first time it see a shooting star! Being a mom is going to be awesome! But I’m also scared because I don’t want to lose who I am, I dont want to lose my identity outside of being just a mom, I want to be a strong independent women that young girls can look up to as a mentor. I want to break down stereotypes that women are solely nuturing caregivers. They can be both moms and badass business women that dominate the market. I want to still have a outward social life, and still be able to immerse myself in things that I’ve always loved. Going to see music, hitting up an art show, and being actively involved in my adult lifestyle. I don’t want it to become a park hoping soccer mom thats idea of an exciting night out involves a pta meeting or a trip to the grocery store.

Maybe I’m asking for too much, maybe what I want is too many pickings of different lifestyles that do not and cannot sustain each-other. Perhaps I’m just preparing for the inevitable loss of my former self, that change is coming and I know it because I chose to have it, but nevertheless the old me is dying and with it comes this new life, this new little baby I am sacrificing it all for.

Well, its 4am now, I should try and get some sleep, i have class at 8am...thanks for listening.