I had an ex shall we call 'N'.

I really thought I loved N. We were both in high school (10 and 11grade) and had know each other for a year before dating. Well I was about 16 and he came over to my house and started talking about sex and stuff and I was nervous I had never had a really boyfriend before him and didn't know what to do. Well then after a while N asked if I wanted to have sex with him. I tried to play it off and say that I didn't cause I heard it hurt and my parents were downstairs and I didn't want them to walk in. And he sat there for a good 10 minutes telling me that it doesn't even hurt and he'd stop before they did and really I just should and its fine he'd go slow so we should just do it. I was still nervous and didn't want to. But then he seemed to get mad so I changed my answer and said yes. The whole time we had sex I didn't want it to be happening. After that we dated until about my senior year (he was a year above me).through out that time I'd say roughly 50% or more of the time I didn't want to have sex with him but I would just so he'd stay with me or just so he'd quit cheating on me. Or so he would stop asking after I said no at least 20 times.

I've tried to talk about this in the past to people I was close to and they all got mad at me and said well it's not rape because you said yes. Whatever what I went through was considered,, it needs to be talked about more. It's been 6 years and I'm still confused. I know what he did was wrong. I hate him for it and he's made sex horrible for me even though I've been with three people since him. I don't know where im going with this post anymore, I guess I just needed to get it out of my head.