I struggle with suicidal thoughts quite a bit - it's just who I am I guess.

Today my husband told me that he's been keeping something he feels really guilty about hidden for awhile and told me that the thought has crossed his mind that "maybe it would be better if she was gone." He said he doesn't truly feel that way and it disgusts him the thought ever even crossed his mind. He said he never wants to think anything like that and begged me to never leave him.

I can't blame him.... obviously I think he'd be better off without me a lot, but at the same time I'm hurt?

I've felt in the back of my mind that he kind of regrets marrying me and doesn't like me. So is that true and he just feels morally bad for thinking that? Or does he feel bad because he genuinely loves me and doesn't want me to go anywhere?

He kept apologizing over and over while crying so I tried to hold it together (I know he could see the hurt in my eyes though) and just kept telling him I forgive him, because I do, I understand. We aren't always in control of what crosses are mind, it's what we do with the thoughts afterwards, ya know? I've certainly had thoughts that have disgusted me and I wished to never think again.

I guess from here I'll devote myself to making him proud and doing my best to not give him any reason to think that again.