It’s one of those moments when you turn to the internet for support because unfortunately your partner although caring and supportive has no idea what you’re really going through no matter how you explain it..

Previously I had two miscarriages and one abortion to an ex partner. And I know many of you reading will instantly hate me after reading I got an abortion. And not that I have to justify my actions I will say that although at the time he and I were trying for a baby and at the moment I got pregnant a switch in him turned on and he turned into a monster in every sense of the word. I tried to leave but no matter what he would have been in my life because I couldn’t keep a child from their father and at that age I couldn’t see anyway out. To this day I regret my choices but I also believe that it was the best thing I could have done.

Skipping forward to now with a new partner of four years and two years TTC. We’re both only 23 fairly young and active. We’ve had one previous miscarriage and it was very early on.. I’m talking only a couple of weeks kinda thing and although it was early on it still hurt and I cried my poor little heart out for a while. I got very sick and very depressed because I believed god was punishing me for my previous choices.

A year later my periods late by three days and I’m feeling like ass in my mind I was try not to get my hopes up and so I didn’t tell anyone other than my best friend and clearly my partner that I was late. Knowing that I’ve had early miscarriages before I waited a couple of weeks to see a doctor. Sure enough the week before my appointment I had light spotting for a day then a very light period no clots or anything and then brown spotting. A few days later still feeling crappy I started getting cramps as if I was going to get my period absolutely beside myself feeling sick and being in pain I went to the doctors. Who took bloods.. a lot of blood actually and said that tell tail signs point to being pregnant but the pain points towards miscarriage...

It’s now hitting a long weekend so I won’t get my blood results back for at least four days. All of my nausea is gone but I’m still tired all the time and have cramps but that is all everything else that I was feeling is gone. So my heart wants the doctors to come back and say “I’m sorry but I was wrong and you are definitely pregnant!!” But my mind is broken and knows better. If I was pregnant I should have been five or six weeks.

My partner bless his heart is trying his hardest to be there for me but doesn’t really know what to do because he doesn’t understand what’s going on and because his previous girlfriend used to lie about being pregnant all the time he doesn’t really think that I am or was untill he hears it from a doctor or sees the ultrasounds so at the moment he just thinks it’s all in my head..

meanwhile my best friend is sending me photo after photo of her baby and how cute he is knowing what I’m going though and having been through it herself. I feel a slight hate for her because I was there for her every day when she miscarriaged because I had been through it and now I get nothing from her but baby photos..

I really just don’t know.

I feel like it’s all my fault and like I’m broken. I feel like I’m being punished for my self choices to have an abortion.

My heart is broken. There’s only so many things I can do during my day to keep me busy enough so I don’t break down and cry every five minutes...