Dear life,

I love being a mom and wife and taking care of my kids. I’m thankful I’m pregnant. I’ve loved this child since the strip went pink. But I’m overwhelmed, life.

But I’m tired, life. I cried myself to sleep last night. My kids are sick for what feels like the 4 millionth time this winter. And on a weekend. So I’m in a holding pattern to get to our pediatrician who will tell me what I know. A sinus infection and possible bronchitis. Breathing treatments and antibiotics and more missed school. Neither of my children slow down, sleep, chill when sick. They just get meaner and more defiant. They get tired. And I’m tired. And they don’t want to rest. While hacking and coughing and snotting all over every thing. I’ve cleaned vomit. I’ve wiped nasty snot. I’ve constantly reminded them to cover their mouth. And I’m tired.

My husband crawled into bed and rubbed my neck last night. Started squalling. Why? Bc I can’t remember the last intimate moment we had. I actually thought we might have sex. But he quickly went to sleep. Why? Because he’s gotta work at the job we just took a pay cut at. I cried myself to sleep. Not because I resent the rest he needs to do his every difficult job, but because life always seems to keep us apart.

Do you remember, life? Do you remember facing homelessness and joblessness not long ago. And now, the first month in a new year and that smaller paycheck for the same job has me trying to figure out how to have this baby. Why is it every time we are finically stable and okay, I get pregnant and the money dries up?

And how about some help here, Life? How about relax on the anxiety and guilt for letting them watch Elmo and Paw Patrol? Or the dishes in the sink? Or the toys everywhere driving my type A into overdrive. Or the frustration that I’m paying tuition for school he hasn’t gone to in a week? How about my husband’s depression, could you lighten up a bit?

How about you make it clear if I should even haul the kids to the doctor tomorrow? After all he’s playing fine. Do I go and sit in germ soup of a waiting room? Stay out of school?

And while we are talking about school...He has school. Let’s talk about my only helper, my mother. Who lives hours away. Remember growing up, Life? Nobody in my family lived more than 45 minutes away. My mom always had help with her kids. She never missed a service at church or a date night because she always had help. I don’t have that help. And she complains. She never sees the kids anymore. BECAUSE WE HAVE SCHOOL. I can’t just pull my kids out is school and come spend a week like I used to. So please stop putting on the guilt on that you don’t ever see the grandchildren. I recently gave you the option of coming here and staying in a nice hotel at zero cost to you. And you turned it down. I don’t want to hear it anymore.

And let’s talk about work. Let’s talk about a boss who waited days and days to return critical information that was time sensitive. Let’s talk about saying how critical this event is to the company, but won’t make crucial decisions needed. Let’s talk about other staff complaints I haven’t done my job. When all I can say is it hasn’t been approved by higher ups? I can’t do my job without approval. I’m freelance. I don’t have the authority to make the decisions. I just carry out the final plans. I know the projected needed to completed already. Not my fault.

Did you know I have nightmares, life? Nightmares that adding this child I’m growing is gonna make me an even more tired and more a failure and more isolated from My husband.

So listen, Life. I’m trying here. But I need you to back off a little. I need a mental health day. 😑😑😑