I had my girls on January 17th at 11:11 am and 11:13am via c-section. Both girls are now off all breathing help with my baby a taking the last 3 feeds completely by bottle. We have not gone to breast yet but that will come with time. Baby b is still learning and tends to drop her heart rate during bottle feeds which is terrifying. I'm so happy with as good as they are doing. I know my baby b will be behind as she was my sIUGR baby and was behind the entire pregnancy, going into intermittent reverse flow in the last 4 weeks of pregnancy. I will always be grateful I followed my gut and pushed for delivery at 32 weeks as the dr says baby b wouldnt have lasted another couple of days, let alone the 2 weeks the other mfm wanted to push for. He ended up outnumbered by me and the residents. And the other mfms trusted me and the residents. At the time of my c-section I felt so guilty and worried I sobbed through my entire surgery/delivery and well i to recovery. But after talking to them I was able to forgive myself. I now have 2 beautiful, strong little girls. I'm still not quite clicking with the fact that they are really mine and really here. Could this have something to do with my prior loss? I lost a baby girl at around 18 weeks, I hadn't known I was pregnant and basically slept through the entire "delivery" due to taking a bunch of benadryl thinking it was just bad period cramps. I woke up to the tiniest baby I ever saw, just big enough to tell she was a girl. I was alone at school in a different state, I sunk into depression and locked myself into my, thankfully single, dorm room. I snuck out and buried her at a flat spot going up a mountain. I will always blame myself for that. I just hope it wont effect my ability to care for my girls. Here they are by the way, sorry for my late night ramblings. I cant atop thinking about her feeling like I failed her and hoping I dont fail these girls.