It was a normal day.. until that gut wrenching feeling...

I had strong cramps that morning and shortly after I had some spotting. When I noticed the spotting, I felt a part of me break. I cried, “No. No. No. This can’t be happening. Please don’t let this be...”

I felt lost. I was terrified. I immediately needed reassurance in “this can be normal.” My coworkers were there to tell me it’s all going to be okay. I said out loud, “I’m spotting.” Then I had a panic attack, just from saying that out loud. Something in my soul was telling me what had happened. I literally felt my heart break. Or so I thought...

I called my doctor and they told me to come in. My husband picked me up and we went to my appointment.

We were so nervous... We sat there waiting with anticipation. It felt like hours went by.. I remember thinking to myself, “you better go pee before the ultrasound.”

We were scared... Everyone and everything around me was moving in slow motion. It was quiet. Their lips were moving but I couldn’t hear any words. I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I asked myself “Why are you crying? You are going to go in there and hear your baby’s heartbeat!” I tried to stay positive and remember that there is a possibility that we would hear our baby’s heartbeat again!

My husband.. my rock. He is my protector. He has more strength than anyone I’ve ever met. He shields me from his pain. But when I seen a few tears fall from his eyes... I just knew.. He knew. We both had a gut wrenching feeling. How could I stay positive when my rock has broken?? How can I see past the negative when my husband can’t?

Finally.. our name was called. The ultrasound tech was very nice. She said “Hey sweetie, you’re a nervous wreck aren’t you?” Of course I was! I immediately started crying again because I was a nervous wreck and I was terrified. The moment of truth was here. I entered that room with hopes that my absolute worst nightmare was not happening to me and my husband.

My husband grabbed my hand. He was a nervous wreck too. I closed my eyes and I prayed one last time. When I opened my eyes a tear ran down my cheek.. there was no heartbeat. She wasn’t ready to tell us yet. My husband still did not know. But I did. I knew.. the baby was lifeless on the screen. I waited silently for her confirmation... she just looked at me with a broken heart. And she said “I’m so sorry!”

No one... not one person could have prepared me for that feeling. Not one person in the world could prepare me for the sound of my husband weeping... He grabbed me and we both screamed “Nooo..” I couldn’t breathe...

I couldn’t look at him. Every time I looked at him my heart broke even more. I felt like I let him down. I felt like this was my fault! I kept screaming out “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” I didn’t want him to hurt this way. He doesn’t deserve to hurt like this. It’s not fair to him! It’s not fair to me either... but somehow I was putting his hurt above mine. I never thought I would do that, but I did.

The doctor came in to talk to us. He expressed how sorry he was that this happened to us. He told us that I am going to have a D&E to remove the baby. He said the baby stopped growing 2 weeks ago... 2 weeks!! My body hadn’t processed the fact that my baby had died.. My body still continued to grow and prepare for a baby. A baby that wasn’t going to be my baby...

I was just ready to go. I had to call my mom. I didn’t want to call her.. She answered the phone with such high hopes and positivity. I just screamed out.. just crying.. That was so hard.. to tell my mother.. “We lost the baby.” I felt like I somehow disappointed her. Which makes no sense.. because I didn’t. And I know I didn’t. I just felt so bad for myself but for everyone else too.

I stayed in bed the rest of the day. I cried until my skin was raw. My eyes were swollen. My vision was blurry and I felt like I needed to sleep. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stop throwing up. I was so devastated.. no one told me that I would feel lifeless. No one told me how hard it would be to lose someone I had never met..

I was told “this is common” and I was told “I know what you’re going through.” All of that made it worse.. it hurts more to know that people have felt the way I do. It hurts me to know that this is a common thing. I’m so sorry for all of the parents that have lost a baby. I’m so sorry their heart had to be broken in this way..