Can’t please myself

The title is sort of correct. I can’t seem to figure out how to masturbate. I have a vibrator, a dildo and whatever the thing is called that mimics oral sex. No matter how horny I am or what I do, it never feels good. I have had sex before and it doesn’t even feel good. It doesn’t hurt but it doesn’t feel good. I have never had an orgasm. I don’t understand how I can never please myself. Am I crazy? Btw I’m 18. I get sexual urges ,but when I go to act on them, they disappear.

Edit: thanks for all the advice I’m getting. I wanted to say that I have tried using my fingers and it feels ok, but not great. I hope it’s not like this forever.