How does your husband help out?

Question

I appreciate you reading this but if you’re going to tell me how your husband helps without being asked or helps without complaining that doesn’t help me lol
We both work non physically stressful jobs. I have a 9-5 and he works overnight. I stress out when the house is not in order, he’s more relaxed. He has never in it lives together has ever nagged me about the house being messy, not having dinner, or anything. Me...I go nuts if things just don’t go as I plan. So I know if I let go a little wouldn’t be so nuts. We have a 6year old and 6 week old. 
Am I nuts for expecting him to help without being asked? 
How can I let go the feeling of resentment? I want to do it all myself and I know it will get done. But watching him sit there on his phone annoys me so much it makes me boil! Then I begin my wrath on out 6year old too. 
I need a chill pill...for reals!!

Answer

No and yes. He sees the house a different way than you which I know you recognize. He can't read your mind so it will take you describing to him what you need him to do in order for him to help out. You can say, hey after supper I need you to wipe the counters or on Saturday can you help me vacuum or something. You'll have to be very specific. Eventually he'll understand it's something that you expect of him and he will start doing it without being asked.
Specificity is really key though.

Answer

My husband knows that I prefer a clean house that’s in order. But that’s my preferences. We’ve come up wish a dishes system (because there’s always a lot of those) but typically I clean the house because I’m a controlling meat freak lol. But when I want/need help I just ask him and he happily helps. But otherwise he doesn’t think about those things like I do.

Answer

Men think differently then we do. If we ask them to wash the dishes, they’ll typically wash the dishes and not wipe down the counter. Ask them to cook dinner? They’ll do it but leave a mess. I used to come home from work pissed off because things weren’t tidied up around the house. Partially, it was my fault because I didn’t speak up. I finally did and found a method that works. I purchased a big ass white board and pinned it by the kitchen. I list tasks I need my daughter (7years old) to do, my husband to do, & reminders for myself. My daughter knows, not to ask for any play time until everything is done. My husband will know to get things done, if he doesn’t, to atleast acknowledge he will get to.
For the most part, it’s repetitive. Sometimes I’ll forget to do the list and they know what’s expected. Other times, they completely forget and I either remind them or help out. Ultimately, I learned to just chill out. They both do things differently than I do. I can get pissed off it’s not done “right” or I can just appreciate their efforts and nicely suggest things done differently.
Also, my husband is a nocturnal and I’m not. He gets shit done at night and I prefer getting the house cleaned in the morning. There are weekends  I’d be cleaning and he’s watching tv or playing games. Hell yes, that pisses me off. But, if I don’t want to do it all myself, I have to let him do things his time. If I want it my way, I’ll do it.
Find something that works for your family!

Answer

That's men in my opinion, if you keep on top of it they'll help a little but I've mostly given up asking. He cooks, makes a big mess and mostly only pre-made stuff (packs of noodles, rices
Chicken nuggets) and makes a mess but now I let him handle food, trying to leave groceries to him too, bought a dishwasher and a room a lol

Answer

My husband will not help me unless I tell him what to do.  I will get upset that the house isn’t tidy, and then I take it out on him.  He always tells me I can’t read your mind, so tell me what to do and I will help.

Answer

There are times he takes the initiative and cleans. He will clean up the kitchen, floors, and vacuums but then it turns into this whole thing where “I do help you, I cleaned last month” and it turns me into a monster! Lol like oh well do you want a trophy for cleaning up. 
We don’t work weekends but he is just getting home Saturday mornings. I’m up with our kids. I can’t “waste” the whole morning and not clean/ do laundry. So I do it. When he wakes up, it’s a clean house. He then has his errands to run! Like wtf 
I feel like a bad mom, I have guilt when I tell him to take the kids. But what I mean is I want him to be with us and take some responsibility for the kids/ house. 
Why do i have to say that? He is a dad, he is smart, he should know that. I don’t need to be reminded to pack my sons lunch, or to make sure we have diapers, to feed my kids, To put the clothes in the dryer after I’ve put them to wash...he has gotten attitude after I’ve asked him to not forget to tell put them to dry😑😑😡

Answer

Outsource it. We have the same problem and its hard to change him. Most likely he wont ever change. Onto the 4th year of our marriage, I have tried everything from nagging to words of affirmation to simply not doing anything and letting the place be in a total mess etc. He still doesnt change and I am usually the one who cant put up with the mess.  If he doesnt clean, get a cleaner. If he doesnt cook, eat out or each cook separately.... if he doesnt clean up after himself, just put them to the side and dont pick things up after him. That way you look after your wellbeing cos it will carry on to your children's emotional state!

Answer

We created a chore chart. If they know what needs to be done, I think it’s works better and we alternate every week.

Answer

My Husband never just does anything, I have to ask him to do stuff and sometimes he won't do it right away but he will do it. I have learned over the 12 years together that I have to ask him and that's just the way it is and I accept it and communicate with him. Communication is key to a good relationship.

Answer

I would just politely ask him to help out around the house like hey babe do you want to help me clean the kitchen up or something. He doesn’t sound disrespectful so he may not realize there is an issue. He won’t know anything if you don’t talk to him. When I’m cleaning or cooking I’ll be like hey babe you wanna come spend time with me in the kitchen? And he’ll usually come in there and help out, so maybe try that.

How does your husband help out?

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