Hey ladies...it’s been crazy busy over here with the move ever since last Friday when the madness began. I haven’t been temping but will probably start in a day or two. Also on Friday, we got my husbands semen analysis results. 😪

I haven’t really been on here much because I am struggling to find something positive to say. From what I can tell from the results, both his count and his motility are extremely low. Normal count is 15-213 million sperm and his was 5.9 million. Normal active motility range is 32-72, and his was 22. Meaning, they don’t swim well at all. The two most important things needed to successfully conceive, and both are low. Obviously I need a professional to decipher the results, but in the meantime Dr. Google isn’t giving me much hope even with things like <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a>. I go to my OB on Thursday afternoon to discuss the results and get an action plan. I’m trying to take one thing at a time.

I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had time to digest this information fully, but today I cried. I’m talking about a full on, desperate ugly cry where it was hard to breathe. And I don’t want to cry in front of my husband because I don’t want him to feel any more guilty than he already does. As though this journey wasn’t already difficult. I have so many emotions and I don’t know how else to explain it other than I feel like I’m packing my dreams away. 💔

And so many questions in my heart. Has it always been this way, and if so, is my current child a bigger miracle than I’ve known? Can we increase his sperm count? Would we have been able to see a fertility specialist and got this journey started had he gotten this test down 4 months ago when I originally asked him to? Do I have a chance at conceiving naturally? And the hardest question of all is whether I’ll be able to give my daughter a sibling - regardless of the route we take. Is it even going to happen? Should I just give up now?

I highly doubt my husband would want to do <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> with the expense it is. <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a> (according to the Internet), you need more sperm after they are washed, than my husband has to even start with. My only hope is that somehow we can increase his sperm count the 6 months he is away...

I wish I could come on here and say something more positive. I’m trying to find the silver lining. Maybe my daughter being older, would be better when I conceive. Maybe I’ll take these 6 months to lose weight and myself, become healthier. I’m just digging for something that doesn’t make me feel so defeated. I feel incredibly alone.

I know everything happens for a reason. I am that person that 100% believes that. My faith is being tested, and I know one day where we are standing now, the view will be completely different. I just feel as though God is looking down on me and laughing. It’s so unfair that anyone has to struggle with TTC. Now, 1.5 years of this and I am completely exhausted. And beyond my control, I’ll have to put this off even longer. My heart just aches with sadness.

I decided, despite the extremely low odds, that I would still take clomid this cycle. The other months I took it early starting either day 1, 2, or 3. The earlier you take it is supposed to give you more follicles and possibly produce more eggs (de told me more “targets” for the sperm). I am taking it days 5-9 this cycle and then it gives you less follicles, but a stronger healthier egg. It’s the combination I haven’t tried yet, so here goes nothing. Pretty sure all the clomid in the world isn’t going to help me conceive of my husbands results are this low. My husband leaves mid March, and if another unsuccessful month happens, im not look back on this and say I didn’t give it everything I’ve got.

If you read all of this, thank you. I couldn’t go through this roller coaster of a journey without having an outlet such as this. Venting on here doesn’t change the situation, but the unusual comfort of knowing I’m not doing this whole thing alone, makes me feel like I can keep the little momentum I have, going. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

May we all find the peace we deserve, and may all our prayers be answered. This too shall pass..i.