Pregnant with my second baby I was feeling pretty relaxed about the birth - I had an epidural with my first (experienced early contractions then nice and numb for the rest of the 8 hour labour) and was thinking maybe I'd try to do as much as I could without pain relief and then hit that sweet epidural if it got too much - just go with the flow, ya know?

We arrived at the hospital and I was already in deep; the contractions were KILLING and my midwife told me to push if I wanted to, she couldn't even check me right away I was in such a state! When she finally got me to lay down I was 6cm and she encouraged me to try the gas to help with the pain. Nope - couldn't manage my breathing for even a minute! It was then I realised that having a lax attitude to the birth was kinda a bad idea, I hadn't prepared myself at all and I felt like I had *nothing* in the tool box to get me through.

I asked the midwife to get the epidural happening, asap.

We were a few weeks out from Christmas *and* it was a Sunday morning, so in walks a junior anaesthetist, lovely, but like, 12 years old. He talks me through everything, I'm like ya ya ya we good homie, hit it.

The midwife pins my hospital gown up to reveal my back.

Now, my midwife knew I had the skin condition psoriasis, but she had never examined my back in all the times I'd seen her - she'd been a bit more interested in my belly!

The anaesthetist starts murmuring to her - he says he needs to make a call. He asks if he can take a picture of my back. DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO AND GET IT DONE?!?

He comes back in the room - says quietly that he didn't know I had psoriasis and that the lesions are right over my spine, right where he'd be looking to inject me. His superior has just informed him that it's too risky in terms of the chance of infection in my spine and that's gonna be a no from him dawg.

Epidural: cancelled.

The feeling of the midwife unpinning my gown back down and putting her hand on my shoulder...my fiancé looking at me, eyes wide in panic...ugh it was the worst feeling, the realisation that there wasn't going to be relief from the pain, not until I pushed my baby out. I was devastated - I seriously couldn't see how I was going to be able to handle the rest of the birth.

A couple of hours later, shaking uncontrollably with my baby girl on my chest, I couldn't believe I'd actually done it. The hardest thing mentally I've ever had to do - I have so much respect for myself looking back. I was disappointed in the way I handled it at the time but I can see now I got a major curve ball at a pretty stressful moment and still managed to get my head straight and push a whole big baby out 😂

The anaesthetist said as he was packing up his stuff - 'maybe just for next time if you treat that area of your skin before the birth we won't have any problem giving you the epidural.'

DUDE. Read the room.