So little man is 4 week old today. My how time flies.

Anyways, on January 15th I went in to be induced due to high blood pressure and warning signs of preeclampsia. My due date was January 25th, but I had put on over 20 lbs in less than 2 weeks after only gaining 25 lbs through almost the entire pregnancy. My face and hands were HUGE with severe pitting on my feet and legs and my blood pressure was 140/100 (may not seem too high but I typically run in the 105/70 range). I had a doctor's appointment that morning at 10am for an NST & we decided it was best for us to induce that day. She wanted me to leave straight from her office & go across the street to the hospital, but I asked for a few hours to get my fiance home from work, shower, and get a quick snack (Glad I did!!). At 4pm we headed to the hospital and they started with the Foley Balloon around 6pm (I was 1cm). I walked and bounced on the birthing ball hoping to get that bad boy out ASAP because damn that thing is uncomfortable! At 10:30 pm the nurse tugged on it and it came out so they let me sleep until 3am when they started the pitocin. At this point I was around 4cm. By 7am I hadn't progressed any and they had noticed through my contractions (that I couldn't feel) that my son's heart rate kept disappearing. A midwife came in and decided to break my water to move things along. As soon as they broke my water I was surrounded by doctors and nurses trying to find the baby's heart beat. My blood pressure went up, his heart rate went down and they, very uncomfortably, inserted the diode on his head to make sure it wasn't me moving the monitors that was losing the heartbeat. From then until 1pm I was tossed back and forth like a salad and they kept turning the pitocin up/down/and off. The baby didn't like laying on the right side and every time I would sit up to get through a contraction we'd lose his heart beat again. So on my left side I stayed, still as could be with a peanut pillow between my legs, sobbing through the more intense contractions, since I couldn't move at all for relief or his heart would stop again and my blood pressure would continue to rise. The nurse kept threatening me with a C-section. "If you keep moving and we keep turning off this pitocin you're going to end up on the operating table." Over and over again, that's what she'd tell me. So at 1pm the midwife checked me and I was at 4.5cm. She said I could have pain relief whenever I'd like so I asked for IV medication since, again, I still couldn't move to get through the contractions. The nurse said no, it was too soon and wouldn't work when I needed it. She left and immediately returned saying I was going to get the epidural now incase we had to move to the OR. As soon as the epidural was in at 1:30pm the midwife returned as well, with a doctor in tow. "You guys' hearts are doing funky stuff," she said, "it's time for a cesarean". I sobbed. I was sad, angry, terrified, and disappointed in myself. They already had scrubs for my fiance and wheeled me to the OR immediately. At 1:55pm on January 16th my son, Francis Joseph Drennen IV was born. He was sunny side up, had the cord wrapped around his body, and was stuck in the birth canal. There was no chance of us finishing the labor we had started. We both made it out healthy besides a small cut on his forehead due to being pressed against my uterus when they cut me open. It was almost 3 hours before I got to hold him for the first time and 24 hours before they'd let me stand up to pee on my own. For the first hour after surgery they couldn't seem to stabilize my blood pressure until I fell asleep (more like passed out). It would be 80/40 one minute & 130/90 the next. However, I was still crying & very overwhelmed with everything that had happened.

A month later and I still feel inadequate sometimes. My heart broke that I had to have a C-section & the experience was scary. I'm EBF and we clicked immediately when I could finally hold and breast feed him, which I am extremely greatful for. I'm over the moon that we both came out happy & healthy, but sometimes I feel like I didn't get to participate and actually give birth to him. For a while I felt like he was someone else's baby, I didn't FEEL like I had birthed him. But, he IS mine, he IS perfect, and I love him more than life. 💞 He's all I ever dreamed of 💞