I talked to him a couple hours before the texts. We always said “I love you” at the end of our phone calls and when he headed home for the night.

We were together from 2011 to 2014. Married for one of those years. He was very physically abusive and I always accused him of stuff and got in his face accusing him of cheating on me. He accused me too. We wanted to start a family. We had the names Ivory for a girl and Oliver for a boy. But he had klinefelters and at the time we couldn’t afford <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a>. That fueled a lot of arguments and fights. We ended up divorcing after he threatened to drive us off the road.

I missed him so much I didn’t eat for 3 weeks. I had anorexia and then bulimia up until 2018. Went from 220lbs to 93 during those years. but I knew we had issues to work through and it wouldn’t work out.

We were together off and on between 2014/2015, trying to make it work. We went to counseling. It just wasn’t working. We split for 3 years. During that time we met other people and it didn’t work out with them either. I was a few months pregnant, but the biological father was not stable. He talked about making weapons, wanting a bulletproof vest, was anti feminist, super disrespectful, made fun of disabled people, I found out he was involved with a 16 year old, he used the dark web, and he also never helped with my pregnancy. He bought one outfit and socks. My mom bought most of the furniture. I didn’t want my son to grow up around that.

So after 3 years, and I was 3 months pregnant, my exhusband and I were guided back together in a dating site. Honestly, I had a gut feeling he was on there and was hoping he’d talk to me. I ignored the other messages I had gotten. He did. We decided to be best friends at first. But after messaging a little more we decided to give it another try. He said he’d help me with anything I needed, even as friends. So we met in the place we got married. We thought it was funny because every time we’d get back together we’d have on jeans, and the same color shirt. That happened about 5 times during 2014/2015. Then in May 2018, I saw him, and when I got out of my car, he was staring at the ground crying, I could tell he was nervous. I walked up to him and hugged him as tight as I could. Then we were both crying.

We realized and laughed about how stupid and ridiculous we were 3 years ago. He had a job that really helped him control his anger. He was one of the very few who really change. I think we were both just really immature and stressed and both dealing with depression. He got a new job as a security guard about 2 years ago, he worked 6 days a week. And 99% of the time he’d come straight to my house. We made it official on Facebook for several months until my ex threatened to take my son away. Which I have a voice recording that would prevent any of that but at the time I just wanted peace, and to enjoy my time with my baby and my exhusband. I’m not sure if I should call him boyfriend, or fiancé now. But I took everything off Facebook, and my exhusband said he was fine with it, he knows I love him and wanted us safe. He took me shopping all the time. He got Oliver anything I wanted for him and more. He surprised me with an outfit with Oliver’s name on it. He said he was so excited to play sports with him. He loved us so much. My exhusband’s father passed away in October. Before my son was born. It really tore him up. Then in November not long after my son was born, my “furteenager” (my 14 year old chihuahua i had since 2004) suddenly passed from bone cancer. Him and I took her to Biloxi for my birthday. It was a celebration for our little family of four back in July. I was so thankful she got to see the beach. Him and my son kept me strong. He held me.

Him and I planned on going to the beach this spring. And had date nights planned to see a concert and to see aquaman for Valentine’s Day.

He was always a bigger guy. He was around 350 in 2011, 279 in 2014, but 2018 was around 470. We had some heated discussions about his health. I had been begging him to see a doctor. He had went to urgent care centers after he had a cough. They said it was the flu. It didn’t go away, and he was feeling exhausted. He went back and they did scans. Said his heart and lungs looked clear. I worried about him constantly and tried to motivate him to eat healthy. His real doctor couldn’t get him in until the middle of next month. I begged him to see a different doctor but he said he’d be fine until then. I told him I just want him to live a long time, and it’s because I love him. He did finally start to really try eating better. We were going to call next week and make appointments to tour some houses so we could finally live together. He told me I should have a surprise coming in the mail for Valentine’s Day. He asked me if I wanted roses and I told him not to because they die. That him and Oliver are all I needed.

Then he told me he got me the ring I wanted. An uncut raw diamond. He couldn’t keep secrets from me very well when it was something big like that. He said he may have told me about it, but I don’t know how he’s going to surprise me with it.

Monday. Feb 12th he had text me at around 2am. He had severe cramping in his calves and fell. He said he had his brother come over and it hurt so bad he was crying. I asked if he was ok. I had been up with our 3 month old so I was exhausted and I dozed off. I woke up. I told him good morning handsome as I did every morning. He text me while he was at work. He text me constantly throughout the day which was fine with me. I only texted him and my parents daily. I also have Asperger’s and he is the only person I’ve ever felt fully comfortable talking to. Him and my son were my everything. I got up and ate some string cheese. And laid back down with my son to nurse him. Then my phone started ringing. I picked it up and it was my exhusband calling me. I figured he finally decided to go to the Er. I answered and said “hello handsome” and he was crying. Well, I thought it was him. It was his brother. “*******’s dead.” And he hung up. (He never really liked me. Probably because I accidentally swiped right on tinder on him during those three years. That was embarrassing.)

At that point I just start saying no no no, and rethink of what I just heard, did I hear him right? This isn’t happening. He’s fine. He just texted me. I looked at the time he had text me.

I started screaming for my mom. I live with her and my stepdad. She thought I was just playing with my son. And then I told her. I ran to the bathroom and threw up everything.

We drove to my dads house and my dad was crying. Not even a week ago, my husband drove him home from the hospital.

We went to his aunts house. They said a driver came by his security office and no one came to the door. ((((Graphic warning) he opened the door and ran to the front office and said to call an ambulance. He was in the floor, mouth had blood in it, and he had gashed his head on his desk.))))

There’s no telling when it happened. He thought I was mad at him. I don’t know why he thought that I was mad. He was alone. He suffered alone. I shouldn’t have fallen asleep.

On the way home from his aunts, my mom was listening to a pop station that always came in clearly. Then it got staticky and I heard “if you’re James dean” by Sleeping with Sirens trying to bleed in. He loved that song. I remember him and I jamming out to it on our little road trips. I never even heard that song on the radio before even on rock stations. Not in this area. Plus it came out in 2010. I just start bawling my eyes out. Then when we got home, the ups left that surprise he was telling me about in between the door and screen door. It was a styrofoam bear covered in pink and white foam roses. So the roses wouldn’t die.

His visitation was on Valentine’s Day. Of all days. I got him a preserved rose and a letter to stick in his casket. Although, it didn’t seem like he was in it. Yesterday was his funeral.

He never got to propose. We never got to get a house and see each other every morning. We finally had our little family. And now it’s just my son and I and my parents. He was a caring person with the biggest heart. I just want to wake up from this horrible dream. I haven’t eaten since.

^ Sunday. The last photo I got with him.