I Just Want To Enjoy This!

Honestly, so far I’ve had one of those pregnancies that other women would hate me for. And I don’t blame them one bit. My biggest physical challenges have been spending 80% of my time running to the bathroom, insomnia, and recently constipation. I was told this past weekend that I didn’t even look pregnant, and I definitely don’t feel like I do look pregnant!

My biggest pregnancy challenge out of all of them has been my mental health. Between hormones and outside stressors (major life challenges that are getting me down), I’m a mess. I thought the main thing was depression and anxiety. But it turns out I’m disassociating quite a bit and it’s bothering me.

Disassociating is when things just don’t connect. Like, physically it can mean I don’t feel touch or pain (which is true to a certain extent) and mentally it means I have trouble feeling and experiencing emotions.

Sometimes I’ll break through, but it’s usually in a negative way like, something upsetting me and I’m crying. It’s much more difficult to experience happiness and joy.

My fiancé and I will have a cute moment, and I just feel awkward and uncomfortable. Completely unattached to what is happening. Like I’m watching someone else’s life.

Well, I just took a bump photo (we don’t have any mirrors where I can see my stomach so I’m not used to seeing my bump). And looking at that photo made me so uncomfortable like, I don’t even recognize myself. I want to be happy about being pregnant and having a bump finally, but it’s just like I can’t make that connection. It’s hard to even comprehend that I’m going to be a mom.

I’m excited and I want this. But, I just can’t feel it. I’m so scared I won’t have a connection with my baby because of it. I want to look at little one when it’s born and be overwhelmed by love and happiness but I’m not sure if I have the ability to feel those things anymore. I just want to experience the joy that comes with all of this!

I have this difficulty because of past emotional abuse and traumas. And I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist for next week.

Anyway, here’s my bump photo for 22 weeks. Hopefully this will all get better soon💕

(Ignore the cat hair on my shirt)