I’m not sure where to start but I need to get this out because I haven’t really talked about it yet and even as I sit here 10 months later trying to figure out where to start and how to type this I am crying softly trying not to let my kids hear.

April 2018 I knew something was off. I was nauseous suddenly, my boobs were sore and I could tell something wasn’t quite right. At the time I was on birth control. A year before I had began the Skyla IUD. When I decided to go on it it was the perfect option. I was still nursing my second so I wanted something with low hormones and the three year time frame was perfect for our family planning time line.

One day after going out to lunch with my two boys and my mother I quickly ran to the dollar store and grabbed a pregnancy test. Upon getting home I took the test and it was positive. We weren’t planning on kids for another two years but we were glad to roll with it. I immediately made an appointment to see my midwife!

I soon found out that it was probable that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. They did an ultrasound and did not see anything in the uterus. But there was still a chance as it was so early in my cycle ( early enough that the nurses asked me what made me think to even test). I was hopeful, I mean there was only a .03% chance of getting pregnant in the first place so why not hold on to positive hope.

After days of back and forth to the hospital and getting blood drawn to test my HcG levels and chart progression ( or in this case lack there of). I found myself sitting alone in my Dr.s office crying, knowing that I could not carry this pregnancy. I am pro choice but my choice is to do everything possible to keep my babies and bring them into this world ( no judgment on anyone’s position, this is just part of my story). I called my husband on the phone and explained to him what he already knew, what I had yet to accept. Then It came time for me to make the decision to choose life, my life, because having this baby wasn’t an option and would kill me if not intervened. So I immediately went over to the hospital for a shot of methotrexate.

The next few days were full of pain and tears. Of evenings alone in my room crying because I couldn’t let my children see me this way. Of moments of my husband trying to take care of me and knowing there wasn’t anything he could do besides wait with me. One emergency room visit and a Drs office appointment later and the numbers were in. The single dose of methotrexate didn’t work. I would need another.

And so Again I went over to the hospital for my shot of methotrexate to terminate my pregnancy and hopefully save my fallopian tube and avoid surgery. Again I went home and spent the evening alone writhing in pain, tears filled my eyes and soaked my pillow. Again I went to the emergency room because surly I was dying, they didn’t tell me it would hurt so badly. I was positive the ectopic pregnancy had ruptured and I was bleeding internally.

I arrived at the closest hospital ( which was not the hospital I had been seen at through this ordeal). I told them my story, they did an internal ultrasound and then I waited, and waited ( turns out I wasn’t dying). The hospital immediately suggested surgery. I asked questions and yet everything around me continued to move forward with preparing me for surgery ( which i had not yet agreed to, as I was awaiting answers to my questions). I called my primary OBGYN who had been with me throughout this entire pregnancy and asked her opinion. She was kind and patient and understanding, she listened to my words and what I wanted. So against the hospitals advice I left and had my mother transport me to my hospital of choice (Where I began this journey). There they watched my red blood cell count to monitor if there was any internal bleeding. And again I sat and waited. The next day they tested my HcG levels and it seemed to be decreasing at an appropriate rate.

Over the next week I went back again and again to have blood drawn and follow up appointments. My Skyla had been removed and I began a different birth control that my body had had success with in the past. And that was it.

I wasn’t given support groups or advice on how to cope or suggestions around counselors. Physically my body was in recovery and so I was sent on my way to continue to live my life. But how do you just move forward? One foot in front of the other.....? Sitting here 10 months later, my body fully recovered, I am still so saddened by my loss. A loss that to some wasn’t really a loss because it wasn’t “technically a baby”. But my body held that embryo, my body went through that loss. My heart was and still is hurt.

I am here to tell my story. I am here to let you know that you can tell yours to. It is not a story told enough, about loss and the hardship that goes with it. It is ok to grieve, however that looks for you, however long that takes.