Long post so I’m sorry but I am stressing!

My little man is 6 weeks today. I’m anxiously awaiting my 6 week check up this Weds. I had 2nd degree tears top and bottom. I didn’t have too much pain, I would call it more uncomfortable than anything. They kept asking me in the hospital what my pain was on the scale and it was a 0 unless I was moving around or using the bathroom, then I’d say a 3... my doctor came to see me the day I was discharged and said I may bleed longer because I needed a D&C because my placenta didn’t detach and wouldn’t deliver. She told me don’t look in a mirror, it will be a horror show but that I wouldn’t even know I had a baby once it healed.

By 2 weeks pp, I was itchy and pretty sure it was just the stitches and healing process. I’ve had stitches several times before in other places so it’s pretty typical. At 3 weeks I started noticing a smell which I read is pretty normal for lochia. I still got curious and decided to take a look... I cried for 2 days... the only time I had even been able to see inside of my vagina was if I pretty much pushed. Now there’s just so much space. I could never see my urethra either and now I can. It’s like the skin that tore at the top wasn’t repaired, not even sure if it can be repaired. My perineal tear seems to have been stitched well and healed well, but now I have like this painful skin tag right around where my sutures were. It burns a little when I pee. That started at 4.5 weeks pp, right after the last of my stitches dissolved.

I had stopped bleeding last Sunday which was an amazing feeling. I have always hated pads, I went from using Always discrete to pads to panty liners. It felt so good to not have anything! Well on Thursday I started with a little blood again (it’s not my period) and now I feel like I have a yeast infection. I also get an air bubble in there just about every time I move.... I hate queefing... only happened before after sex sometimes.

I’m so frustrated! I just want my vagina back 😭 I don’t care about the stretch marks on my lower belly or the additional 20 lbs I gained that I still haven’t lost. I’m so terrified that my vagina will never be right again. At 6 weeks, its still open. I know that it’s probably more cosmetic than anything and that my actual vagina inside is probably just fine... I can’t help but feel unattractive and anything but sexy. I also feel like it has to be prone to infection now.

My bf has been patiently waiting for my 6 weeks to be up and I don’t feel anywhere near ready to have sex, I have literally been crying about this for days whenever I think about it. He says that I need to stop worrying about it, would I rather have my old vagina or our son? And I get what he’s saying but I feel so bad about myself that my sex drive is non-existent and he’s been so patient. All I seem to read is how sex is so painful in the beginning... and I’m terrified he won’t like it anymore.

Ugh 😑 seriously stressing. Sorry for the long rant, thanks to anyone who reads it and maybe has some advice.