So let me start out by saying....I woke up for work this morning to see that my period decided to show up, 2 days late. Those last 2 days have been an emotional rollercoaster, not because I believed i was pregnant but because i feel like i never will be.

My bf and i have been ttc for a year but really actually actively with the help of ovulation drugs for only 2 months. I turned 30 in December and always told myself I wanted kids before 30 and if it didnt happen by then that I would give it up. 30 came and went and I want kids more now than ever. My bf has a 4 year old son from a previous relationship.

We ended up at IHOP real late at like 3 am..as we were walking in there was a man standing at the front with his son...my bf immediately noticed and made the comment that he remembers those nights. It doesnt bother me that he has a son, but there are certain times that things set me off into depression. I became sad rather quick and when he asked me what was wrong I said he wouldn't understand...sat there for a bit and tears started rolling down my cheeks. Went to the bathroom cried some more then had a silent meal. Didnt talk that night.

Woke up the next day still emotional. I sat on the couch and began crying again just thinking about a childless life. Again he asked me what's wrong....I let everything out, left him speechless. About an hour goes by before I say anything else to him..he says I made him feel bad, all I did was tell him how I felt. Now somehow it's about him. So I start regretting telling him what's wrong.

That day was a bit rocky, I didnt feel close to him at all..didnt feel any support. Yesterday, I fell apart. Obviously my PMS in full swing (I know this because I was getting bfn on pregnany tests) he asked me to watch a movie with him and then sat there and got on his phone instead, I told him I wasnt going to watch a movie with him if he was just going to sit on his phone. Then he got on it again so of course I got up and walked away. We argued...a few things got said he began ignoring me then when he finally said something he said that ttc is consuming me and I shouldnt let what people say or do bother me.

He also broke down and began crying when he said hes upset because he goes to work sad that he cant give me a baby and doesnt know how to make it happen. I'm the one with a problem tho...so it's not him... hearing him say that did make me feel like I wasnt alone tho because it's not often he even talks about it.

Sorry for the long post, just had to get this off my chest as I'm currently laying in bed on my lunch break with a heating pad instead of eating..sucks knowing I could have been pregnant instead but now I have to start a whole new month of

fertility meds

, hopefully this month goes better