I want the D...

D, as in DIVORCE.

I could make this post a million miles long, but I'll be short.

Been together since I was 13. Right after I got out of a really complicated relationship (yes, I was 13 and yes, it was complicated). I will be 23 in May and he will be 27 in September. We will have been married for 5 years come June, together 10 years come September. We have a beautiful 3 and a 1/2 year old. Pregnant with baby number two...not planned, but babies are blessings of course. He had come home after being gone a year and a half from deployment, and well yeah, boom and there's a baby in my belly.

Anyway, I hate my marriage.

I have been miserable for so long. We have nothing in common. He is very unappreciative. Before I lost over 100 pounds, he wouldn't take me anywhere or just want to go anywhere because I was fat and he was embarrassed of me (yes, he admitted this to me after I had list weight). While he was in the military, even when he was home he wasn't, I raised our first born practically alone while I took 18+ hours of college credits a semester for 2 years. He is a narcissist. When I ask him to help or to do something, God forbid it is done then, but flip the rules and God forbid I do it on my own time. Completely ignores me when I try to get hime to talk to me about life stuff or says "yeah, you're right" in hope that I will shut up. Everything about him disgusts me ever since he came home. Always wants to bitch to me about this that the other and that I need to work harder so that we can be better off in the future while I'm already doing everything I possibly can while raising our first born and growing the second one, however makes zero effort himself to do so.

About 3 months after he came home I told him I was thinking of divorce. Since then he occasionally makes an effort in different aspects for about a second and then nothing. Last few times we had sex I could not finish to save my life and I say it's because I'm pregnant, but it's not. Haven't even tried in two weeks as I keep giving all the excuses.

This has already been a freaking novel....sorry.

They say that when you start asking "when do you know it's time for a divorce?", then it is time.

However....

We have a kid, have another on the way. Until I get hired on for a different position at my current workplace, I just currently cannot afford to soley support myself and two kids that are still in daycare (that is a mortgage within itslef).

My car is in his name.

I don't want my kids to ever have another "mom" figure.

I don't want to share my children's time with him and his family which is a whole story within itself.

I don't want my kids to be a part of a broken family.

I don't want to be a failure.

I don't want to break his heart...I love him, I do. I mean we have been together for nearly 10 years. I'm just not in love with him at all.

And all at the same time I know it's not good to have my kids grow up in a home where mom is miserable, you can only hide so much.

I know I deserve better.

I want to be happy.

I'm tried of pretending.

I was the happiest EVER in my life the year and a half he was gone. And as soon as he came home I gained ten pounds as I became depressed once again. And everyone (mom, step dad, grandma, step brothers, step sister, grandpa, cousins, aunts, etc.) continually asks what is wrong with me and why I'm not myself anymore and how I was so happy go lucky before he came back.

I just dont know what to do. The pregnancy hormones dont help of course. I don't have anyone I can truly talk to about all of this without me breaking down and/or being talked down to.

Anyone been through this? Any suggestions?