Before you start reading, please know that I am not trying to brag- I am just being honest and am truly at my wits end and do not know what to do and could do with some advice!

Background

I come from a well to do family and have strict parents who seem to have it all- they have a loving relationship, my dad is a very hands on husband and father, they have 3 children who are all doing well in their professional careers and are my parents are now enjoying their retirement life.

My husband is from an above average household where his parents are retired and take a pension. Their 2 children supplement their income by paying for their holidays and my husband and pays for a housekeeper.

My husband and I work in the same field but in different companies. We have a young toddler and I always loved kids and want more than 1.

We got married about 5 years ago after 4 years of dating. During dating, my parents were never wild about him and have expressed reservations about how he doesn’t seem to care for me very much but have never outrightly rejected our relationship. I come from a family where I crave my parents’ approval.

Before the birth of our child, we were originally staying with his parents but I moved back to be with my parents for my comfort. It is not unusual in our culture to be living with our extended family as we were going to move abroad for a short while and wanted a temporary place to stay before settling down in our own home.

During my maternity leave, things were ok. My husband wasn’t the hands on type. He’d rather I do it myself or get help from the nanny. I am very hands on and do not like anyone else to help out as much as I can. He doesn’t wake up for night feeds and i always have to ask before he helps with bathing and changing diapers. He was very passive.

When I returned to work full time, I was very stressed with having to handle my child with the craziness of my work schedule. Suffice to say he didn’t increase his contribution to the child and I had help from my mum and the nanny. I was embarrassed that my husband was so hands off and essentially did not change his lifestyle much post baby.

My parents obviously staying under the same roof, were judgemental and had a lot to say about his lack of involvement which was very stressful for me.

At the same time, the relationship between me and my in laws (which were initially good) because terrible because of how they liked to criticize my parenting skills- I have distanced myself and my child from them and would meet them for a meal once a week. My husband was not happy. There is a huge discrepancy between the amount of time my parents have with their grandchild vs his parents.

We had constant arguments and one day things got so bad that I asked him to leave and we were apart for about a week whereupon my parents told me that I was still very young and I should not suffer in a marriage where my husband does not pull his weight. Might I add. He also screams at me during our arguments (I do too, but to a lesser extent) and my parents have heard this all. They shared how sad they were that their daughter was stuck with a man who they feel is inferior in every aspect- and does not value his wife.

After the break, he came back and told me all that I wanted to hear. That he will control his emotions, that he will be a more active parent and be more loving. He also wanted to move out of my parents house.

We did. And we were happier. I wouldn’t say I’m the happiest but happier than before. For the most part, he has kept to his side of the bargain and it has been about a year. Having said that, he is still not the most hands on father (whereas I tend to the opposite) eg he doesn’t wake up to feed our kid breakfast. He sleeps through it all. It has been commented at family gatherings that he behaves more like an uncle to his kid rather than a dad. He’s not emotionally expressive.

I want more than anything else to have another child. But I am very affected but my family’s opinion that I am “settling” and deserve more. We still argue quite a bit and I always find myself having to ask him to do things for the family. To be fair to him, he does a fair bit without prodding as well.

He doesn’t speak very well. He doesn’t carry himself well. He is not well groomed. I don’t feel proud of him when we meet my friends. And he doesn’t allow me to help him improve on his manners. He doesn’t have good table manners. But he is otherwise a good guy and a successful professional in his own right. And the father of my child. He gets annoyed when I correct him and says I pick on him all the time. Which is true. I can’t seem to help myself.

Help me. I don’t know if I love him enough. I don’t want to settle. But does not being proud of my spouse (and allowing myself to be affected by my families opinions) mean I don’t actually love him??

My heart aches when I think about our daughter and how she will have a broken family if we don’t work things out.

Please help me. I’m feeling so desperate. The girl who seems to have it all. But I really don’t. I just want a loving husband who gives his all to his wife and children. Should I work on this?

Or give it up? He has improved. Just not as much as I have always wanted. He says I’m never happy with him. Despite his efforts.

We cycle from happy to unhappy in split seconds. I think my post is all over the place and I apologize for that.

Thank you in advance.