Pregnancy after loss

I have started this and deleted three times..even as I say that, I'm not sure I'll find myself continuing this time either.

I'm 6 weeks pregnant currently and no part of myself is willing to accept it. I feel nothing. I feel no pregnancy symptoms besides a little cramping and maybe a little more peeing. I've known for 2.5 weeks now. Super early so maybe that is why this is hitting me so hard. I don't know. I've always tested early and I've always had very clear signs early. This is different.

I've had 5 pregnancies but only 2 births. The ones right before my son were the hardest. I had a D&C due to no heart beat then a month later, I found myself with another positive test. I do not even know where I could have gotten pregnant so quickly but apparently it could happen. I went to see the doctor and explained what happened. They did an ultrasound but nothing was growing. I was pregnant with no baby. 3 ultrasounds and several blood tests past over the next four weeks. Every single time, I would falsely give myself hope that a miracle would happen. I would pray my hormones stopped decreasing or my baby would be growing. I tortured myself with Google stories of doctors being wrong. I cried countless hours. It took 5 weeks from my first positive text for my body to finally start bleeding. 5 weeks of waking up each day knowing today could be the day. 5 weeks of going to sleep crying because I couldn't take another day of waiting and wondering.

2 back to back loses broke me. Throwing things, screaming, just crying on the floor until I couldn't cry anymore.

I know women go through worse which makes it hard for me to talk about mine.

But, I am so scared. This baby was unplanned. I was on birth control. This baby is early in my new relationship (9 months but known 2 years). If this baby is not growing, I won't be trying again for a long time. Not until some things in my life change because it is important they do. So I wont get to try again unless i choose to be irresponsible. But, I want this baby so badly. My first appt is March 25th. So until then, I'll be sitting here, unable to accept this pregnancy and I hate it.