Constant battle

I’m so angry at myself. I’m so upset that I have to post because I haven’t got anyone in my contacts that I feel will generally care, actually they all will but the truth is I don’t want them too.

I don’t know if I’m in a toxic/bad relationship or not. I’ve read so many signs but I don’t fit it to all of them, and it’s only sometimes. Then I wonder if it’s me who’s the irrational one. Am I the one I fear to be? I really wish I could be anywhere but this planet, but at the same time I don’t actually want to die, I don’t want to hurt myself because I don’t want to face the painful sensation tomorrow even though I am craving for it right now, it won’t help fix my feelings. Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean my behavior is acceptable either, if I keep offering chances (not that he’s begging for them, he never begs for me. I say you don’t show that you care or love me etc he says in a sulky childlike way that obviously he does. The choice is always mine whether or not to accept him back at mine apparently). I wish it wasn’t. I wish I had someone fighting for me. Not deal with my emotions like it’s a repeat pattern and I’m boring them. Maybe I’m the one holding everything back. One minute I’m so clear in the head. Right now I feel so confused, I’m usually very assertive. I’m a mess. I’m not as strong as I once thought I was. I’m pathetic. I belittled the situation where he slapped me on my head (not hard as in a blow but enough to catch me off guard and make me wobble to the floor and scream in shock) he said it was just a hard tap to snap me out of my psycho rage of me screaming at him to go. He said he only restrained me to drag me off of the floor so I wouldn’t break a computer console by kicking it (after he just made contact to my head). No matter how much I’m wanting to believe he didn’t mean it, I honestly half do, it still doesn’t make it right or ok does it? I lied to my counselor, I told her I haven’t spoken to him, he was back at mine the week after it happened. I lied cos she kept telling me to report it to the police and call my landlord to change the locks and to contact woman’s refuge etc. I thought it was very extreme. I feel like I’d be using it as an excuse. I don’t want to not want him, I don’t want to ruin his life. See I’m pathetic. I’m even telling myself just to end it all, I’m the only one with the power etc but why do I keep ignoring it all. Am I mad?

I feel guilty telling him to go everytime he starts to make me feel anxious or I feel I have to be weary. He might not even know that I feel like that, so a part of me thinks it’s me. He’s not a mind reader. But the. I think but he should t be getting aggressive or snappy or rude etc anyway, he should just snap/swear at our son because he’s doing something important for him etc.

I miss my Mum so much, on the 12th March it’s been 10 years since she’s gone. Is that why I’m so sensitive? Or is my counseling making me more sensitive to things. How can I start moaning about things that have been acceptable for years. Is it ok to be called swear words out of anger because the disagreement has got out of hand.

I know I’ve been through a lot, but I didnt ever think I was as fucked up as I really am. I don’t want to be a stereotype. Maybe I’m over exaggerating an abusive relationship compared to a bad relationship which is just normal trivial things. Maybe I’m just making out it’s bad because deep down I’m just an attention seeker and I’ve had so much drama in my life that I don’t know who I am without feeling robbed from something/someone.

... I’m even boring myself so I’m going to stop