Three weeks ago, at our 14 week appointment, our OB couldn’t detect a heartbeat. An ultrasound later that day confirmed I had a missed miscarriage. I had a D&C a couple days later. It’s been so much more difficult than I ever imagined, particularly since we were 100% public about the pregnancy. We had even named our little girl. It’s been such a hard loss to cope from.

Yesterday, I had my post-op appointment. My doctor had just gotten the results from the lab. They gave us the option of further testing, telling us since our initial blood work hadn’t come up with anything, it probably wouldn’t show much. Surprisingly, our results showed that the fetus was positive for triploidy (69, XXX), which wouldn’t have shown up in my blood work. There’s a high likelihood this was a molar pregnancy, since my HCG levels were sky high early on in my pregnancy. Doc sent the results to a pathologist to find out more. He also told me that I need to come back monthly for blood work, and will probably have to wait at least six months to TTC again.

To top it off, I got a call later in the day the my HCG levels were still really high in my blood work from that morning. I have to go back for more next week, and if it hasn’t gone down, they will refer me to oncology, since there’s a small chance this could become cancerous.

We’re still reeling from our initial loss, and it just keeps piling on. I just want this nightmare to end so we can move on and try again. I’m in my mid-thirties with no kids. I don’t have a ton of time. The one thing I was clinging to was the hope I’d get pregnant again soon. I don’t even have that to look forward to.

Also, I’m still bleeding from my D&C, so I’m going on almost a month without being able to have sex with my husband, at a time when we really need to lean into our relationship for support. Pardon my French, but fuck this. Fuck it all.