tonight i went out with this guy and it went okay. but i felt super awkward and uncomfortable the whole time. and i felt like i was boring him. i struggle with a low self esteem.. it has effected almost every aspect in my life. it’s hard to change. and my ex boyfriend broke up with me about 10 months ago because he didn’t love me anymore. mind you he was 17 and i was 19 at the time. he wasn’t ready for a relationship and he just wanted good times. and i struggle with depression and anxiety and it was way too much for him to handle apparently. but it would have been nice to have someone .. be there.. to at least stay by my side .. hold my hand while i tried to fix myself. anyways. i’ve met about 4 guys in total since that spilt. and i had tried to forget my ex. but my efforts have been futile. none of these guys make me feel the way my ex did.. and it’s sad and pathetic because me and my ex’s relationship was toxic. he was an introverted narcissist and i’m a bit of an empath. i have social problems. i find myself not being able to make conversation in person. like at all. i’m mostly quiet. and my vocabulary basically ranges from “okay” “omg” “yeah” or i giggle. i can’t get comfortable with anyone. i feel so .. shitty when i’m around people .. meeting for the first time. because i don’t know how to act normal. and i don’t know what to do. i’m scared. and lonely. and idk why i have this undying need to be loved or wanted. i hate it. and every time i get this way.. i miss my ex like crazy. the comfort he provided. the affection. i miss it. and being involved in his life. being a part of his family in some way. it all warmed my heart. now that’s all gone and i’m having a hard time accepting that. i’m trying to change my outlook. but it’s so hard. and i don’t have friends where i live because i moved. and i don’t have a job at the moment. and it just sucks not having anyone to hangout with. or spend time with. i miss my friends. i miss my ex. i’ve started to see a therapist but i can’t even tell her what goes on in my head. i can’t speak about this at all. talking about my feelings aloud, talking about all of this .. i feel shame.. and embarrassment.. and it makes me genuinely uncomfortable to speak about my issues. i don’t know what to ido anymore. i just need help.... and i’m sorry for the ridiculously long post. idk how many of you are even going to bother reading it all 😅 .