I don't have any one else to talk to...

Sorry for the long post.. but please read..

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 1/2 years. We've put each other through hell more than once, but our relationship has been getting tremendously better for the last year or so. Every once and a while things get tough but we talk it out and work through it. February 10th we found out I was pregnant. He always tells me that he would be so much happier if he had a child to live for. And I would be too... When I told him, we were both so happy and filled with love; we were having a baby together... He was the first one to bring up abortion.. I knew it was the right decision at this point in our lives, but it was so hard to actually accept that decision... For about a year, we had gotten into some stuff that we shouldn't have, but have been working so hard together to get clean and sober. I didn't want to have a baby while I had been on drugs.. I don't think I could forgive myself if i carried to term and the baby was affected by my bad decisions.. But to get to the point, we both agreed to get an abortion. On February 18th, we both went to the first appointment and found out I was 8 1/2 weeks along and had gotten the ultrasound photo printed off. Between then and the final procedure, I had gotten so attached to our little one... I had a pregnancy app and everything. I enjoyed seeing how big the baby was and what developments he and/or she was going through that week. I even referred to the baby as Baby W.. I would sing to him/her and talk to it every day and every night. March 6th I had a surgical abortion. That whole day I was basically numb to any sort of feeling. I guess I tried not to think about how much I was going to hate myself afterwards... While waiting in the waiting room for the procedure, I had a brief thought about just leaving and forgetting about the clinic and having our first baby... But in the back of my mind I knew it was the right decision for our lives... Our relationship is still on the rocks and not as stable as we'd both like, we are no where near being financially stable, he works over the road for weeks, sometimes months at a time, plus the drugs... A few days later, I found myself listening to songs about an unborn baby telling their mom they want to live and women regretting their decision to end their child's life.. I was also designing a memorial tattoo for Baby W.. I cry every time it crosses my mind. And I know it hurt my boyfriend as well.. we both cried so much after the procedure and asked ourselves if it truly was the right decision.. He was and is very supportive when it comes to that situation, but as of recently, if I mention anything about Baby W, he'll get emotional and shed a tear or two and then get upset and ask why I always bring it up... I don't know who else to talk to about my feelings and regrets.. he's the only one who knows about it and my parents are against it and I'm not close enough with the few friends I have to talk about stuff that personal...