Idk how I can deal with this any longer 💔

This will probably be a long one, so bear with me please. Because I need some advice.

I’m 1 month out post-partum. And even though I have more people around now, I feel more alone than I ever have.

Depression and anxiety has always been apart of me, for as long as I can remember, but this is the worst I’ve been. My s/o has been the best I could ask for... super attentive and helpful with the baby. He does as much as he can on top of working and making the money to pay our bills. He’s truly incredible, as well as our families who have been incredibly helpful.

But I just feel so alone.

I love my baby boy & wouldn’t take him back for anything in the entire world... But everyday, I just feel this sense of dread and hopelessness. As cliche as this sounds, I feel this constant dark cloud hovering over me and I can’t seem to shake it no matter what. Me and my s/o even got to go on a date day this past Saturday while his mom came to our house and watched the baby, but I was still unhappy. All I could think about was how much I dreaded going home. And then I feel even shittier for feeling that way... What kind of mother dreads going home to her baby?!

I love my baby but I hate this new routine. I hate this exhausted, unhappy, irritable zombie that I’ve become. I hate that I’m selfish and that I just want my own time. And that I want time to just be careless with my s/o again.

I hate that I feel so lonely, but every time someone is visiting my anxiety rises to an all new high because all I can think about is the germs they are spreading to my baby when they touch him or breathe on him. I can’t even enjoy company, though I don’t want to be alone.

I hate that instead of being happy and loving motherhood, when so many women are struggling to have their own and would be on top of the world to have a baby, I’m taking it for granted.

I hate that I sit staring into oblivion crying wishing things were different when I have the perfect little family.

I can barely eat or sleep. I have no interest in things I normally enjoy. I take care of my baby, and that’s it. That’s all I have energy for.

I just want this feeling to end so I can enjoy having this amazing, beautiful, sweet boy in my life. And so I can enjoy the amazing father my s/o has become.

I know I need to get help, but I was really just wanting some kind words and encouragement from other women who’ve experienced this. 💔