Hey guys, first time. I have started and stopped a post so many times already but this time ima actually put one up:

Idk what to do...and im lost

It feels like im going crazy and thats one of my biggest fears. Im a little different from most ppl and i like that bout me(Most of the time). Im super complex. My personal life caused me so much stress in just a year....all cz i decided to say the truth for once. My bf makes me so happy, after i cleared a lot of stuff with my parents we finally got some freedom. Ik for him it feels like we didnt really get much but for me i feek like i can finally breathe a little. Used to be hella depressed, cried ebery night....now i dont. But when i do i hide it. I could/should tell my bf when i do but i dont want him thinking im that really fucked up girl i was when we first started dating. Today i was super busy, hardly talked with him, waited for replies i knew wouldnt come bcz he was waiting for my texts(we were making plans and i needed confirmations from my sis whod drop us off/pick us up), got home late and did some more work, finally free. My sis tells me some news that affects the time for our date tomorrow, i tell him and he no longer wants to go (date would have to be earlier....he says no). We argue. He points stuff out to me....and it hits me that i was so stupid today. He had all the reason to be upset, so i start to send an apology and stop. Why? Bcz I'm so used to saying im sorry it is to the point he gets even more upset. He hates when i apologize cz i do it so often for no reason, but im honestly not sure how to stop. I start thinking im stupid. And i start getting sad we wont have our date. Start getting mad im always so busy and we cant do much. Start getting guilty that i tried blaming him. Start remembering bad memories. And just stay listening for a text. He is pretty upset so he says night and smth else, i answer, he does too, tells me "bye"....i hate when he does that. He'll always text back the next day and we sort things out but once he tells me bye i feel so damn scared and sad. So everything piles up and rn im feeling so suffocated. Its been a while, things have been going good lately. Im not looking for nything by posting this just need to let this out. Everything has just been piling up (from before today too). Sorry im making you read so much guys