on april 12th i was scheduled for my first doctors appointment !! i got there to be told it was just the interview and urine test after previously being told it was the ultrasound and bloodwork as well. so i was already discouraged. at this point i had been spotting about 2-3 days before for a few hours of two separate days and it was VERY light. then at my doctors appointment i told them and they said they would get me into the soonest appointment. that appointment ended up being scheduled for tuesday april 16th. which would then be my ultrasound and bloodwork. i immediately started feeling so anxious for that day. well friday the 12th after my appointment i got home and a few hours later i started bleeding, dark brown with some dark red blood. of course i panicked. i knew something was wrong. i called the nurse and no one answered or returned my call. i had 2.5 hours to get ahold of someone until they closed at 5pm. i left a voicemail and waited for a callback. i proceeded to call them about 3-4 different times trying to get an answer from the nurse and nothing. well 5:30pm came around and the office was closed there was no call back, so i decided to call the after hours nurse line and try my luck to get some answers. i got ahold of someone and the nurse came on the line. i told her everything that was going on with me. the spotting and slight cramps(which i had had the whole pregnancy so far). so she says if the bleeding / spotting turns bright red or i have bad cramping to go to the ER. so i was like okay we will just wait and see what happens. as the night went on i seemed okay just took it as spotting it was never on my panty liner just on the toilet paper when i wiped.

so the next day april 13th, i woke up and not much had changed but still dark blood. around 12pm it started getting brighter. not much and nothing really on my panty liner still so i just kept trucking. well i went to take a shower and go to the bathroom and there was some on my panty liner. proceeded taking my shower and trying to think of what to do to avoid the ER. by about 2pm i knew something was wrong. (i had known since the day before something was off) so i yelled for my husband and he came in and i was just bawling and he hugged me and told me we would be okay and if we needed to go to the ER it was okay. so i agreed. we went in and it was the long process of bloodwork, pelvic exam, and ultrasound. i was there for about 3-4 hours. pelvic exam was first- they checked and gave me hope thinking i was okay and it was “old blood.” then the bloodwork took forever to find my veins. lastly the ultrasound - the whole time i was sitting there getting a transvaginal ultrasound the tech didn’t say a word. just quiet while he took photos and explored. this caused me to have nothing but fear. i felt some positivity every time i stared into my husbands eyes but i was still just so scared. well the tech left and i went to the bathroom. there were quite a few “clots” per say and quite a bit of blood... i finished up and cleaned myself up and went back to my ER room. after about 10 minutes i started feeling some intense pain. pain unlike anything ice ever felt before in my life. in my legs i felt shooting pains, cramps in my lower abdomen, my lower back was in tremendous pain and i felt like i was having contractions. i could barely speak because the pain was so rough. it would come and go every few seconds - minutes. after i finally started feeling some relief i felt like i needed to go to the bathroom again. i went alone and it was awful. the blood/ the clots/ the chunks/ the pain.

i’m pretty sure in that moment was when i passed our precious 7 week old baby.

our first child.

the baby my husband and i had tried to conceive and couldn’t so we gave up and then the miracle happened.

the baby we never got to see on an ultrasound.

the baby we never got to see in person.

the baby we never got to hear laugh or cry.

the baby who made us a first time mother and a father.

the baby who made us parents to a perfect angel.

after i finished in the bathroom i went back to my ER room and cried my eyes out with my husband. i told him i thought i passed the baby and he just held me. it was such a hard and emotionally exhausting moment - the whole day was. the doctor came back into the room and told us according to the ultrasound it looked like we had a miscarriage. i lost it, my nightmare was now confirmed. the day before the doctor confirmed my pregnancy and then the day after my doctor confirmed my pregnancy ended.

the feeling of emptiness lives within me now. i don’t know how long it will take for this pain to go away or if it ever will. i never thought this would be something i would have to deal with or face. i always hoped it wouldn’t. but here we are, grieving our first child. yeah, it was the size of a blueberry/ raspberry/lentil/ whatever you call it. but that little tiny thing was my baby, my first baby. there is nothing easy about this. nothing that anyone says makes it better and i’m learning that it’s okay. time will heal and i’ll never forget.

march 8th, 2019 you were conceived.

december 1st, 2019 was your due date.

april 13th, 2019 was the day we lost you.

everyday i will love you.

i hope if you read this and you’ve experienced a loss of a child before that it maybe helped you.

i needed to share the feelings i’m feeling. it’s hard to not blame yourself in situations like this. it’s hard to accept that it’s not your fault and you have no control over it. the truth is that you’re not alone, it’s not your fault, and you’re not to blame.

dear baby sparks,

if you can hear me, i hope you watch out for your father and i. i hope you comfort us when things are hard. right now every day is hard. you’re the only thing i think about. i cry about you often. i imagine who you’d grow up to be and how you’d love your father and i so much. how you’d love the animals we have at home.

one day we will finally get to be with you.

one day we will get to hold you, kiss you, and cry with you.

no matter what you will always be our first child and we will never stop loving you.

i love you always and forever,

🖤 your mommy and daddy.