Hi all, whilst responding to someone else’s post I shared the below, which turned out to be longer than I intended so thought I’d share here.

Until yesterday I thought I was 13 weeks pregnant after years of trying and 2 rounds of ICSI. This was my first pregnancy. When we went for our scan I found out the baby stopped growing at 9 weeks and there was no heartbeat. It was an awful shock as up until then we thought everything was fine, we had a viability scan at 6 weeks and saw the beautiful fluttering heartbeat and I had no bleeding.

Nothing I can say will make dealing with miscarriage easier for you, as it’s an individual journey but I can share how I’m thinking about it, in case any one of these things can provide comfort.

- It may be better to know sooner by yourself (through an early bleed or warning from the doc), so you can prepare for when it happens, we were shocked, my lovely husband was very distraught but that morning I started trying to prepare myself mentally to not be too excited, just in case, which helped.

-At least we were able to get pregnant this time! It’s a good sign, if it’s happened before it can happen again. Although I know it’s an awful kick in the teeth, when we know how hard a journey it was to get to this stage and worry it can’t happen again knowing the pain, energy, emotion and expense on the tough road ahead.

- Our body has had a practise run at being pregnant, which may help the next time.

- This is nature’s way of ensuring survival of the baby, I prefer that it has happened now, rather than further down the line when I thought it was ‘safe’ and more likely to be successful, told everyone and really had a bump. I’m really, really sorry to anyone at these stages, my heart goes out to you.

- There’s nothing more I could have done, and it wasn’t our fault. If our babies can’t survive when they’re tucked up inside, having everything as easy as possible they would really struggle on the outside, which would be more painful for them and us.

- I celebrated the spirit of my baby. Although I’m not overly religious, I am spiritual. After we left the hospital, I wanted to go to the church (second time I’ve been in the 3 years I’ve lived in this town) to light a candle for the spirit of our baby. As it was just before a mass, we stayed on for the mass, although my husband and I were emotional, when it came to the part where you shake hands with strangers and say the phrase ‘peace be with you’ it was the first time I really understood what that meant. As strangers said it to me, I really took it onboard, when the priest said let’s pray for those who are recently deceased and he listed the names, I silently added my baby to that list.

- We have to be gentle on ourselves. Take time to grieve, cry when we want, express emotion, speak to our partners, families and friends. Miscarriage is a lot more common than people talk about. Most people I know have had one, or know someone who has. Those people go on to have healthy babies. You are not alone.

- Now that I’ve had some time to grieve and I’m working my way though it, I’m focusing on the other aspects above and trying to have a positive outlook. Having a negative outlook for too long isn’t going to help me, so I’ll choose (a luxury for some perhaps) to think as positively about it as I can, my life isn’t over, my husband and are I still ok, and this is bringing us even closer as a shared experience (although one I would prefer not to have had.) I need to allow myself to have peace.

- Distraction. I could have taken today off work, but decided to work from home the next few days, whilst focusing on something else for a while it’s helping my body and mind rest from thinking about it, and it will grow stronger in that time. I’m not numbing myself from what happened, but giving myself some respite.

- I’m trying to get out of the house and walk in my local park, drink in nature, the change in the season to spring and the buds flowering around me. Feasting my eyes on green, and colourful flowers and taking joy from the simple things in life.

So now with my swollen belly, I’m waiting for my body to hopefully pass it naturally over the next few days, hoping now my brain knows my body will catch up. ( I can’t do anything sooner as I’m flying home to see my family for a few days which was supposed to be to share our ‘good news’ 😣). I’m scheduled for surgery next week if nothing happens. I’m hoping to use the strength I’ve found from the above to help me through the next stage. I’m hoping when the physical aspects happen I’m not pining for, or grieving the body, the baby’s spirit ‘left the building’ three weeks ago, there’s no going back, only looking forward.

In the mean time, may peace be with you 😘