My baby is nine weeks old today. Maybe it’s just the pp hormones raging, maybe it’s a change in the weather, maybe a comet passed overhead. I have no idea why. But I cannot stop crying today.

He’s nine weeks old.

I keep reliving my first ultrasound over and over in my mind. He was my third pregnancy, but my first baby. I never got to see the heartbeats of my first two babies. My doctor was so nervous for me, I could see it in his face. My boyfriend was terrified. I was literally shaking. My doctor joked with us during the questions and exam, trying to lighten the mood. Then he started the transvaginal ultrasound. I wasn’t watching the screen, I was watching their faces.

“...There is a baby... And there is a heartbeat.” I instantly burst into tears. The relief was overwhelming. “Would you like to see it?” My boyfriend and I watched for a couple minutes while measurements were taken and such. Eventually we went back out to the truck, I was clutching our precious ultrasound pictures close to my heart. Relieved and scared and thankful and unsure if we would ever get to see our precious baby ever again. Terrified and happy. Thrilled. Exhausted. We got in the truck and I just had to sit there for a minute before I put the key in the ignition and turned it on. My boyfriend was looking at me, studying my face.

“Are you ok?” No. No, honey, I’m not. And I never will be again. I was just given the best and scariest gift of my life. You watched me become a mother. I got to see our child today for the first time. There is no taking that back. If anything ever happens and this doesn’t work out, you will watch my soul be forcibly ripped from my body. Nothing will ever be the same after today and I’ve got to come to grips with that enough to go to work today. My life just changed forever and now I have to go grocery shopping, and take the dog for a walk, use the bathroom, take a shower. The ordinary is too much and also not enough after the extraordinary. All of this was the most overwhelming experience imaginable.

And now our son is here. He’s been in our arms for nine whole weeks. He’s already got a personality. He looks like me. He smiles. Tommy is real and alive and he is my child that I grew and that will never not be true.

This little boy could not possibly have any more of my heart.