We are never alone. I think we feel alone when we don’t talk about our own experiences, our stories, our pain and all our feelings. I share my story openly because of you and others like us. I feel we need to be open about it, to help others who are afraid to talk about it, and it also helps me heal to talk about it. Today I elected to have a D&C because my baby’s heart stopped beating. I did not want to go through all the pain on my own. Plus I sent the tissue to the lab to have it tested. It began at 6w3d baby’s heartbeat was 129. At 7w3d baby’s heart was 98. At the following weeks appointment baby measured 7w4d and I knew by abdominal ultrasound there was no heartbeat. I said it out loud. And then you hear “I’m sorry guys” 😢 I really dread every single appointment from going in to get blood drawn to check my HCG levels, to every ultrasound, to every “let’s go to my office” ... every week is worrisome. Every day going to the bathroom and not seeing any blood on the toilet paper is a small victory! To live in fear of losing your baby every single day and then being grateful for every single day you made it without any bad signs. We are now stripped of all our joy and excitement being pregnant and having a baby. As I lay here on the couch tonight, this being my 14th pregnancy, 13th loss, and getting messages from family who just don’t get it, who don’t understand me and why I keep trying and trying instead of giving up, it’s very trying. It’s a test of my faith and my patience. I will be done when I am done.

My brother (older than me) for example says “Denise just told me sorry. I think that’s enough trying don’t you. I’m sorry but enough is enough. I think you have hurt enough.” (Denise is my older sister) I told him how this word made me feel and then told him our plan to conceive.

Then he says “I’m sorry but I wouldn’t want to have 13 knee surgery’s” 🙄 I told him he’s a guy who doesn’t get it.

My sister then says “The only thing I want to ask ...

Have they mentioned anything about birth defects if you were to go full term pregnancy?” 🙄 um no, that’s not a problem or a concern. She thought that it would be after all my miscarriages cause that would be another “heart breaker”

This is life after miscarriage. This is my story.