Rant: Anxiety & Toxic People

Due to suffering with chronic anxiety and depression, I overthink and panic a hell of a lot. Sometimes it’s impossible to NOT, think the complete worst and I try nothing but my best to avoid all conflict whatsoever - even if I had a valid reason to kick off myself.

Today’s problem (when I say ‘today’s problem’ I mean it’s been a problem for wayyyyy too long) is the fact that I am constantly feeling as if I’m doing something wrong. People in my life are making me feel bad, making me feel like the enemy in situations when all I’m doing is trying to keep the peace. I don’t discuss the dramas and downfalls of my personal life/feelings because I’ve always felt like that would simply add to my problems, so I’m often hearing everyone else’s bullsh*t in the meantime. As long as these dramas aren’t effecting me, I don’t feel anxious yet for some reason said people in my life have been making everything so much harder for me. If I ask kindly to not continue a conversation because it’s becoming uptight, I’m every name under the sun. If I don’t want to do something that someone wants me to do, again, I’m guilt-tripped and given hell for literally saying “No.”

I’ve had enough and I feel as if nobody recognises the length of my anxiety, yet that could be my own fault due to not being 100% honest about the way I’m affected.

I’m 32 weeks pregnant, stressed and constantly doubting myself. With my family and friends, there’s no reassurance. There’s no care, there’s no worry or support. I feel so alone, so hurt and so saddened by the way I get treated for simply doing nothing wrong. My anxiety isn’t getting any easier to deal with and the toxic personas in my life have me wrapped around their fingers. I just wish there was a way I could escape from it all and run as far as I possibly can because I don’t know how much longer I can cope before breaking down and in my state that’s hardly an option. I’m soon to be a mother - I keep telling myself that I should be stronger than this but nothing pulls me out of it, not even my son. I feel drained and I would more rather not be on this planet at all than continue to deal with all that I do. It’s like treading on eggshells or the walk of fire — I’m always worried about everyone else, given sh*t for it and then left to deal with my own pain.

Is there any advice at all?