Marriage

I grew up looking for love. As a child I looked for love. As a teen I looked for love not knowing what love looked like. As an adult I let fake love into my life and have the hardest times letting go. For what seemed like forever I was with a man whom I thought loved me, claimed to love me, and lost his sh** when we broke up because he was heart broken. I didn't know what love was so I let go. Way before the drugs he was on way before the other chick he claimed to only talk to for attention. Way before he got me kicked out of a home I thought was home but only became something toxic for me. I wanted out because I wasn't so sure he loved me, you know if your parents don't love you who else could? Idk where my life went wrong, were I got so emotionally messed up but I met a guy a year ago. Spent months talking over the phone fighting back and forth with both of our exes. It was rough at fight but we fought because we "loved" each other. Well he says he loves and I question that everyday because I still am looking to find what love is. Guys I think I messed up because at the beginning I was happy and excited but throughout the relationship I guess all the drama with our exes I guess it made me feel some type of way now. But I married him last month. Because at that second my heart told me yes to do it. And I did it. But now I'm feeling like what if it was a mistake? We hardly communicate with each other, he doesn't know what's going on in my head as I don't know half of how he is ever feeling. He doesn't tell me things until last min like a few months ago he just randomly vanished and hours later popped back up with his toxic dad who only drinks and does drugs and kept asking me if it was okay my husband did them to. Like no, but did them twice behind my back anyways. I've already got a lot going on I don't want no more heart breaks. Does he love me because if he did he's understand because of my ex drugs are not okay I'm this marriage! Not sure if I want to try a little harder and see if this relationship gets better or save up for a divorce and just stay single. Guys I'm 21 I haven't been single a day since before I turned 15. 😓😓 no questions just ranting